I wrapped my arms around Alice’s prostrate form, burying my face in her shoulder as I cried. My tears had to be soaking her hospital gown, but I couldn’t care about that. The only thing I was cognizant of was the agony in my soul at not having her answer me as I cried.

“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry, Al. I just can’t do this. I thought I could be strong but I’m not strong without you. I don’t know how to be, and I don’t want to be. I just want to take you home, baby. I’ll take care of you,” I told her desperately. It was the truth; if I’d been able to get away with it, I’d have taken her out of there right then. All she had to do to make me happy was open her eyes. At that point I didn’t even care if she could move or speak; I’d have done it for her, whatever she might have needed. I just needed her out of this place and home with me.

I held her for a long while as I let go of all the pain and fear I had in me in the form of hot tears. She didn’t wake up or make any sort of response, but I could feel her breathing, and somehow even that was enough to comfort me eventually. I sat back and rubbed my eyes, a little angry with myself for not being able to hold it together. But I knew she’d understand, and that made it better. A little bit.

“I wish I could take you out of here and go home,” I told her. I was done crying, but my voice was still shaky, so I spoke quietly. “Do you remember all those times you couldn’t sleep, and I’d make you hot chocolate in the middle of the night? I’ll do it every night for the rest of our lives, Al. Just come back to me. Don’t stay asleep, okay? I need you with me.”

After that, I wasn’t able to speak for a long while. I just watched her breathe. It was incredible to me how interesting even that was. I guess by then, anything that had to do with Alice would have amazed me. I studied the laugh lines around her eyes, the way she looked so peaceful when she slept…okay, this wasn’t exactly sleeping, but she still looked peaceful. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered brokenly, stroking her cheek with my fingers, being careful to keep my touch light. That’s probably dumb, since it wasn’t like I could disturb her. Still, I felt the need to be gentle anyway.