“So all of that … secrecy, shame, a sense of protection over my mom… they just all got rolled up in a bundle of, I don’t know, toxic stuff inside me. That I buried.”

“Dan and I are at the point wherein I’m figuring out that I emerged out of the other end of all that possibly with something called “reaction formation.” So it’s possible my personal development into adulthood was in reaction to all of the…um, difficult truths regarding my mother.  And it’s possible my development was not about who I was, or about my own personality, but about a reaction to her…that instinctively, I didn’t want to grow up into someone like her.  And, developed a coping mechanism of keeping people at bay.”

“All this came to a head, perhaps, with us … with all of the tension, stress, and everything about the changes, Eric earlier, then New York, later.  So I began to shut down.  I was yearning to reach out to you, but my instincts had kicked in…keeping you out, keeping all this chaos out.  And I ended up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do.”

“I cheated on you,” Tina bent her head, grasped her head with her other hand, beginning to sob, while Bette squeezed the hand she had kept a hold off.

After a period of silence between them, as Tina’s sobs subsided, Bette opened her mouth to say something.

“No… wait.. wait… honey.  I  have to say something else,” Tina said, as she wiped her tears with a handkerchief she got from her pocket.  “I almost imploded internally… and, for all the drinking I had been doing at bars, and everything, from Paris to New York, and wherever I found myself while I was away from you… I found I really didn’t need alcohol.  It’s just that I think I was trying to cope with all this confusion through a whole range of behavior."

“And there’s something that happened that also convinced me…and Dan..that I didn’t need a drink in the way an alcoholic needed it. I didn’t touch a drink for almost 10 months. And I wasn’t looking to have one, either.”

She blew out a  long breath.  Then turned to Bette.

She offered the brunette a half-smile, “So… that’s who I am, at least right now.”