“Hey, come on talk to me.” you say this so softly and caring. I know my silence is unsettling for you, I feel your body tense a little when I remain silent, but I can’t help it.

I release an uneasy quivering breathe. “Not yet” is all I say. You nod knowing I don’t want you to push this. Time passes by and before I know it the sky is getting darker and the sun starts to fade. I sit up and pull my self from your arms. I’m still facing away from you when I feel your hand on my shoulder, There is so much in that touch, I know your trying to reassure me that everything’s okay but you don’t know what I am about to do. I place my hand on yours as it remains on my shoulder, and I give it a tight squeeze. I turn so that my body faces you but still I don’t look at you. You place your hand under my chin and lift me head so I am looking at you, but my eyes stay diverted from your gaze. I know I have to do this but I can’t bring myself to. You remove your hand from my chin and replace it with my hand. My head starts to run wild again with thoughts of you… thoughts of us. Then it takes a detour to something else, to someone else. I can see her in my mind, waiting for me. She’s waiting for me to do what she has already done. A smile creeps onto my face unbeknownst to me. I start to remember times she and I have spent together. They are so similar to my memories of us but very different too. I know I can do this now, I have to….for her. Finally I look up only to be met with your eyes. You look at me and my eyes start to water, and tears start to flood over my face. I want to do this but it kills me inside. I wipe away the tears and look at you again. Our eyes lock and I see you trying to read me, trying to figure out what’s going on. I take your hands into mine and smile at you, I start to speak, “You know that I’ll always love you but…….” she stops me mid sentence. She looks me in the eyes and she knows what I’m trying to tell her. She starts to speak “I…..”