I discouraged myself to follow her out of the building, I pressed myself against the back of the door. I felt closer to her, just because something she had touched was pressed upon my skin. I knew in reality I was being silly, but for those few moments she was still there with me.

I knew whatever this ultimately could have been was over and done. She was with someone else. The pain was buried deep in my chest, my eyes were now dry. I couldn’t cry anymore. I would always love her but I guess that part of me has got to let go of her, she belongs to someone else.

Could we be friends? Did she even want to see me again? I didn’t know. I needed time to allow myself to distance myself from the selfish side of me wanting to break them up.

I walked into my study in search of what would make everything ok. I threw countless amounts of paper work onto the floor, in my attempt to retrieve what would make my heart calm.

There it was. A sacred part of me. A picture of Helena and me, she was smiling. The photo I took when we had visited the beach as the sunset. Although she knew I was taking photo’s her eyes were focused solely on me. The way her head was flung back and you could see her mouth was agape because she was laughing sweetly. The way her hair cascaded over her shoulders, as the last remindnts of sun shone and lit up her smile even more.

I hadn’t noticed it before even though I had studied it over a million times, how her fingers interlocked with mine. It wasn’t mainly in focus but I captured it nonetheless, I’d never held hands with anybody before. And I still couldn’t bring myself too open myself up to that sense of vulnerability.

With Helena there were so many reassurances that came with her sweet sentiments. Her hand fitted mine like a glove would drape over your fingers, I could still feel how her fingers felt wrapped in mine. I always had that sense of pride walking by her side; I was worthy of a love so bold and courageous.

My own smile so genuine and not fraudulent, she actually brought out a side of me even I didn’t know existed. I just wished and hoped that Alyssa knew just how lucky she was to have Helena by her side. Maybe she would do a better job at loving her, making her happy and not taking the love she had for granted like I had so stupidly.

I needed a fix, the excrusheatating screech that filled my ears. Whenever something became too hard to deal with or even comprehend this is what happened.

I placed the photograph under my pillow, grabbed my jacket and made a run for the door. I took once glance around my apartment as I checked to ensure I had keys and some money. With that I made my way across town.

I was searching from memory for a place called O’Shea I recalled meeting with Helena there when I met her children for the first time. I had to see it, but I couldn’t figure out why. It made no sense. After all this time I hadn’t revisited but I wanted, no I needed to be close to that moment.

After 20 minutes of walking I found myself nearing, I needed a drink before I got there. Indulging more than I know I should, enjoying the affect it had on my thoughts. They were more attuned to Helena than they had ever been. Images of her smiling, laughing and moaning all because that’s what I made her feel manifyied to there full capacity. It was surreal almost as if I was floating aimlessly through lost memories that I had suppressed.

I’d reached my destination feeling slightly tipsy but I reeled in the comfort of being where I knew our love had transpired.

Heading towards the bar I order a cocktail using a lot of the top shelf’s stock. The concoction helped soothed my pain and reminiscing of exactly where we sat. I scanned the room looking for someone who would have there way with me and want nothing more. I was accustomed to know the typical stereotype that fitted the criteria I needed so badly.

The restaurant seemed to be thriving in the mist of the early afternoon. I watched as couples held hands over lunch, friends laughed at passerby’s and colleagues who felt obliged to laugh at one another’s jokes.

I think I was the only person in the restaurant who was seated alone no companion to console me. Essentially the type of consoling I wanted was too feel wanted partly; but left alone when I got what I wanted.

***********

I thought I was dreaming, I double-backed my stare. It was her. Did she realise this was where we had our 4th unofficial date with my children. Thankfully my children hadn’t noticed mommy seemed to be distracted by and ex-love.

I observed as Dylan sat there gulping down her drink with what didn’t seem an inhibition in the world. She hadn’t noticed me as she sat observing diners.
“Are you ok H? You are in a world of your own?”

“I’m fine really, just been a really tiring day.” I lied. I wasn’t sure if my own girlfriend could see I was only there in spirit. I’d never taken Alyssa to this restaurant before today. It was no coincidence. I loved this place and so did the children it was a sacred universe to escape all those watchful eyes that traced my every move.

When Alyssa had called to ask if we could meet for lunch I felt guilty for going to see Dylan so I obliged. Normally if we were with the children we would go to La Tasca. This place was always mine and Dylan’s in my heart.

She hadn’t noticed my eyes wondering. Solely focusing on the short haired beauty, who propped herself up the bar.

I engaged myself in conversation as a distraction to break the contact of my eyes betraying this very heartbreaking image.

“I think we should go away for the weekend next week. We ain’t had much time on our own these last few months because of work commitments. My treat?”.

I smiled at her gesture it had been too long and now was the time to reconnect, “That would be lovely babe. I think its just what I need. Look, about this morning I’m sorry I didn’t know she was going to show up”.

“It’s ok I get it. She’s your ex. I think I’m grown up enough to understand that there are maybe a lot of unresolved issues or that you both want to pursue to re-build a friendship. I’m ok with it. Really.” The sweetness in her voice, sparked a guilty pang in the pit of my stomach. I took a moment before I addressed her.

“I sometimes forget just how amazing you actually are, you know that. Maybe you’re just too good for me.” I smile as her eyes trace my lips, the passionate way she encircles her own skin whenever I made her feel embarrassed or turned on; sometimes a mixture of the two.

“I think its the other way round, you don’t understand how much you and both of your children mean to me. I’m glad I found you.” I watched as she smiled into her glass as she took a sip of her wine. Her smile was what had made me fall for her; she was simply beautiful. In some sense the opposite of me: her sun kissed complexion, her wavy long hair, deep brown eyes and naturally curvy body. And best of all the opposite of Dylan.

************

I could pick Helena out of a crowd of thousands, even at the steady bustle of the restaurant I had spotted her timeless beauty.

Then I see her. Her new girlfriend. In my place. I guess we were from two different worlds and were never meant to be, but when I look at them together its like a unspeakable love. No words needed to see the love they shared.

I continued to devour my beverage; whilst stealing glances in there direction. I had to be happy for her, the pain I felt lessened as I knew she had everything she deserved. She had the best.

I felt the warmth on the small of my back. I turned to notice the woman I had met previously hours before. The softness in her eyes as she proceeded to talk, “I think you should let Helena take you home, you’ve had quite a lot to drink.”

“I don’t need Helena to take me anywhere, I’m perfectly capable of getting myself home.” The twist of anger that had risen in my words wasn’t intentional, but I felt threatened by the perfect and doting girlfriend of the woman I still loved.

“Even so, I’m going to get Helena to take you home. I don’t know what’s gone on between you. But I know Helena cares for you and wouldn’t like to see you get yourself like this. I love her Dylan, she’s my life if you can’t see that I don’t know what else I can do to make you believe she’s happy. We’re happy. Isn’t that what matters now?”. Her voice remained calm, her words flowed like a river the current peaceful and often unpredictable.

“I’m glad she’s happy. She finally got what she deserved. Look, I better go. Enjoy your night.” I knew the battle had been lost, if there was ever a battle to try an recapture her heart. It was as if at first I was on a battlefield only to realise the opposition had claimed the prize and I hadn’t even been worthy to be their opponent.

I gathered my belongings as I steadily walked away, Alyssa disappeared from sight. As I reached the door I was slowly tugged from behind. This time it was the woman who filled every waking thought; made me smile at the simplest of things, the complexity of our situation never went un missed.

“Dylan wait”. Her voice was stern but were coated in sadness, I could feel her disappointment at the state I was in. I felt ashamed she had seen me in this light. This wasn’t the side of me I wanted her too see.

I transfixed my body to that exact spot waiting for her to continue.

“Look I know Alyssa said you don’t want me to take you home, but would you let me anyway?” She half smiled to lighten the mood; it was odd but comforting.

I found myself weighing up my options, if Helena took me home she would soon leave and if I went right this minute I don’t know if this would be the last time I would ever see her. I reluctantly had to follow my heart’s desire.

“Wait if you take me home what about your children and Alyssa, how will they get home?”. Her children were more important than my sad pathetic ass, I was genuinely concerned about them but nor necessarily Alyssa. Even though she was sweet likability about her that was charming; I couldn’t stand the fact she had the one thing in this world I loved.

“Don’t worry they will be fine Alyssa will take them home in her car so I can make sure you get home safe and sound”. She tilted her head, as her orbs softened gesturing for me to exit the restaurant.

As the warmth of the night caressing my cheeks, we walked side by side to her car. Even in silence together my heart was fulfilled, my heart beat rose and that was the sound that filled the short distance between us.

“I hate to see you get yourself like this Dylan, you know drinking won’t help solve the problem”.

“I know it’s just… never mind”. My words seemed pointless.

“No what is it?” Her lips so close to my ear as she leaned over from the drivers seat to ensure I was fastened in.

“It’s just alcohol makes me high on life for a short space of time. Every minute of every day all I can think about is you. And now I feel like such a fool because after everything, you are still making sure I get home ok. I’m glad that you’re happy.” I was slumped in my seat, the affects from the alcohol slowly wearing off but yet my words were rambled and slightly slurred. I was a mess. And her kind nature was still ensuring I was ok and safe.

“Look Dylan, no matter what has happened I would hate to see any harm come to you. I’ve fought with this for a long time because I was hurt and angry but yes I did miss you. And me seeing you in this way breaks my heart. I want you to be happy too, I’m just not that person to make that happen. But nonetheless he or she is out there”. She broke the contact from the lights as we sat there, her eyes penetrated a weakening in my resolve. She had missed me. The way her words lingered after she had said that made me smile. I needed her. The worst thing was I’d missed my chance. If there ever was an opening.

“He or she? I don’t know if you know this but you were the first woman I ever loved, ever made love too and my last. There will never be a Mr. Right, and the only Mrs. Right is already taken. So you say you want me to be happy, well I’m happy that you have everything you want.”

I heard Helena mutter something under her breath and when I asked what she had said. She casually said she was talking to herself I know she was lying. But I didn’t question her; I had no right to.

“Dylan, you know want to know something, I will let you in on a secret but don’t tell Alyssa she might get jealous.” She lightly chuckles at her own statement. I watched as she took a deep breath before proceeding, “You were the first woman I made love to.” I saw the fluctuation of colour change in her cheeks.

“What do you mean Helena your gay you have slept with women before and after me?” I was confused and the alcohol wasn’t helping matters.

She laughed at my confusion, but the sweet sound makes the small ounce of pain I felt as she laughed at my expense ease. “I may have slept with women before you, but doesn’t mean we made love.” The tone of her voice was sincere and lovable, the twinkling of her green eyes made me want to reach out and kiss her. I had to stop myself.

“You mean to say, out of all the women you was with before I was the first woman you had ever made love too?” I was amazed, it showed in my voice as I seemed excitable as it transformed from a minute whisper to a loud overstatement of the convoy it created within my thoughts.

“You sure was, let’s change the subject its starting too feel abit too weird”. Her words projected that familiar twang in my heart; where it stopped beating with regularity.

I sat there silent, scared I would forget all the time that had past and want to place my lips on her’s.

We walked the short distance from her car to my apartment, those few shorts yards felt like miles.

She took my keys from my jacket pocket to twist open the lock. I flounced in after her magnificent swagger, her body looked good as her hair hit her lower back and her skirt began. I searched for when she dressed so openly, she had always wore dresses and I never understood because her legs were another entity of their own.

She walked around and found the kitchen pouring me a glass of water.

“Let’s get you into bed”. We both tugged at the covers letting the fall over the edge. Nothing was more erotic than the sensation I felt as she slowly undressed me. Pulling my top over my head I was clad only in my lace black bra, I looked up from the bed to see her eyes betray her words yet again. We both were thinking the same thing but focusing on what shouldn’t happen.

The final tug of my jeans as I slipped my body into the coldness of the sheets. She kissed me on the cheek to say goodnight. I knew there and then if I couldn’t be with her friends was the next best thing I just hoped she wanted the same thing.

I lay my head on the pillow as the softness of her kiss withdrew their warmth from my cheek falling into a deep slumber.

********

As her eyes fall back, I shifted and made her body comfortable within the entanglement of the sheets. I found something I hadn’t been looking for nor did I know still existed. 15/06/07 was marked on the back. In those 2 short weeks I was in love; no it wasn’t a fairytale. This was real life. She was the one. Nothing else mattered. My trace the jaw line of her face and continue to my own smiling as I had done in the photograph. I hadn’t smiled in that way since then. Yes I smiled but it just wasn’t the same. She held apart of me; I never got it back it remained with her.

I couldn’t believe she had kept this after all this time. I wanted her in my life… I couldn’t believe there was a time in my life I was existing in oblivion. I gripped the photo firmly between my fingers, I had it in my hand as I closed the door to her apartment and made my way back to my car. Love doesn’t fade… You may think it disappears then suddenly its got you gripped to the steering wheel to stay in control of losing control of all inhibitions.