“I doubt that very much “Mary laughed. Bette gave Tina one more soft and brief kiss before heading out of the kitchen door. Tina watched her go – I love you so much Bette.
When she looked at her mother again Mary was grinning at her – Tina blushed
“Sorry – that was a bit of an over the top kiss “
“No – it was fine – didn’t bother me “
Tina smiled “Good – I know people can be fine in theory about two gay women – its seeing them actually interacting that can be odd”
“Doesn’t bother me Tina – really it doesn’t. It’s obvious the two of you are very much in love “
“We are – we are very much in love – I can’t wait to be her wife again -properly and legally. Only a couple of weeks now”
“Angie is excited about it “Mary said
“Not sure what she is looking forward to the most – the wedding, the promise of a party after the wedding where she will be in her element or the fact that we are letting her have another cat “
“You haven’t mentioned the plans for a brother or sister to her?”
“Yes – we told her when we told her we were getting married – that was when she conned us out of the promise for another cat. She was fine about it – I don’t know how she will deal with the reality of not being number one. “
“It was hard for you “Mary pointed out
“Yeah and it never got easier with her – look talking about her is something we should do but there are other things. Like yesterday. I should have said something – I shouldn’t have to leave it to Bette “
“She was very tactful “
“Yeah – she is but we need to work on being adults and me being your adult daughter – not your 17 year screw up daughter”
“I think we are making progress – there are bound to be pitfalls – it’s not been that long and we are finding out more about one another. It was such a huge thing for all of us – for us to find out you were in New York and that you were gay and that you had this partner and a daughter – knowing you had a child really affected me”
Tina nodded and hugged her coffee cup
“Look I was talking to Bette last night and there is something I do think has become a bit of a misunderstanding between us and it is my fault because I know it’s something that Bette has mentioned more than once”
“Are we driving Bette nuts ?”
“No – but she is protective of me and she understands something that I don’t think you and dad don’t”
“I am listening”
“When I was 17 I didn’t know I was gay. I thought I was different in a way that all kids do. I had so many lesbian friends in LA and the one thing that united us was how different our stories of finding our sexuality was. Later on you will have met our friend Shane – she’s never had a boyfriend or been attracted to a man in her life and the idea that Shane would be attracted to a man is a joke – it’s impossible to image but I had a friend in LA called Alice who was bisexual and went through all sorts of phrases. What I am trying to say and not doing it very well is – when I lived in North Carolina I thought I was straight because everyone else was. Yes, I knew there was such a thing as gay people but I didn’t get any. I knew that I had feelings – like who I would dream about or who I would have crushes on. I didn’t lie to you when I was a kid – I genuinely believed that the things I was feeling were wrong- that they would pass. I would have met a bloke and I would stop wanting to kiss a girl. That never happened – regardless of how many boys I kissed. “Tina swallowed “It changed my life because I had never kissed a woman before – not in that way. It rocked my life in a way that nothing had since I had left home and had the abortion. For 5 years I had kept denying who I was regardless of living in LA. For me it took meeting one special woman – one amazing woman who I fell for in a way that I never had before and I never did again until we met up again and it happened for a second time. It took meeting Bette to make me face my fears and make me face what was in my heart. It took falling in love with Bette to make me come to terms with who I really was. I wish I had been able to tell you when I was 16-17 and me not telling you was not something I did because I was being secretive or because I was ashamed. I didn’t know that I was gay. When I knew – when I finally came to terms with it myself – it took such a weight off my shoulders. “
Tina lifted her coffee cup up – she could feel that she was shaking slightly. She gripped her cup tighter and took a drink of coffee. Mary sipped her coffee and looked with fondness at her daughter – she could tell how much it had taken out of her to make that speech.
“I have been guilty of saying to your dad – why couldn’t she tell us she was gay “
“I couldn’t “
Mary nodded “I guess there is so much I don’t understand”
“Sexuality is so fluid and unfixed. Women have fallen in love with other women for the first time in the 60’s before so me not coming out until I was 23 is not bad. I came out when I was ready to – when it was the right time in my life. “
“Do you think you would have come out if you hadn’t met Bette ?”
“Yes – It would have happened sooner or later. I just think that there is a destiny to my relationship with Bette. We are just meant to be and sooner or later we were always going to meet one another and fall in love. Things happen for a reason and we got together at the right time when I was 2 because I was ready cosmically to fall in love with her and it was destiny that brought us together last year. It was her time to be ready for us – for her to be a mom. I really believe that things happen for a reason and it was the right time for us. “Tina put her coffee cup down and scratched her brow
“I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know – that’s what you have to know”
“I can see that it’s a frustration for you “
“What I don’t want – what Bette doesn’t want is for what happened in the past to totally dominate the future. It’s going to be a wonderful future – we are getting married – we hope to have another baby – we have a loving and amazing daughter and we have my parents alongside us to witness and be a part of all these things. There has to be a point when what happened is no longer the only thing we talk about “
Mary nodded “I have a friend in New Jersey called Kim and her husband got out of jail 10 years ago after a killing someone when he was drunk driving. She said that one of the hardest things was not talking every day about that night. I guess that is what we are guilty of”
“We all have to learn how to deal with one another that’s all. I know we are all ashamed about what happened. For me – for me it’s been like coming out – I didn’t tell anyone for so long so in a way it has been a relief to be able to talk about it. I wish I had told Bette – if I had it wouldn’t have been such a burden to me. I just want things to be good between all of us. I want my mom again – I missed you for so long. Being a mom myself means that I know how important it is. What do you think?”
“I knew it wouldn’t be easy but it is hard. I guess the most important thing is that we all want a relationship “
“What do you find hard ?”
“I wasn’t sure of how I would take knowing that you sleep with a woman but Bette is so lovely and it’s obvious that she loves you. You didn’t sleep much last night did you?”
Tina blushed again which made Mary laugh
“We didn’t hear anything – I just get the impression from how tired you are and how Bette was wearing the same shirt this morning when she was putting the turkey in the oven that you are wearing now”
“Well yeah – It was nice to be a couple of grownups and have a night out “
“Any time you and Bette want to go out just remember how much we love to be with Angie”
Tina nodded “I know “
“Why don’t you go and have a shower – then we you are more awake we can make a start on feeding our family”
“I would like that a lot – thanks mom “