‘You mean like a therapist?’ I replied with more than a hint or snark in my retort. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friend but she’s one to talk! She’s kept so many feelings inside of her sometimes I’m surprised she’s still functioning at a normal level. Shane just shrugged at me and told me she thought it would help. I looked down at my lap and refused to carry on the conversation, Shane being Shane sensed my reluctance and headed for the kitchen again commenting that she was going to stay with me for the rest of the afternoon. I tried to protest but knew that she wasn’t going to bail on me any time soon so it was better just to accept the circumstances. The crying hadn’t helped. I fucking knew it wouldn’t and yet I couldn’t stop myself. It had caught me off guard and opened up a new wormhole of remorseful passion I had previously been unaware of. I left my room to get changed into clean sweats. There was no point getting dressed properly when your daily routine consisted of wallowing in self-pity. I felt so fucking sick of myself  and wondered how were my friends not? I hated this pathetic attitude. I wanted to get a grip of my life and reality but it’s hard, so so hard. I wanted to be alone, I needed to do this on my own, and I was the only one capable of pulling myself out of this rut. I walked into the kitchen and told Shane to leave. She looked surprised but could see the new determination in my eyes. She asked if I was sure then told me to call her anytime if I needed anything, even milk. I remember smirking at her comment and telling her she was a good friend and that I owed her big for everything. She told me that I owed her a good night out at The Planet when I was feeling up to it. She left quietly after. I could feel it as soon as she closed the door. The numbness. I needed to quench it, push it the fuck back down into the depths of my stomach and leave it there. I turned towards the refrigerator and eyed up the full bottle of white wine sitting ever so temptingly in the door compartment. I deliberated over it, playing with my conscience even though it was a one sided game and we both knew which side was stronger and going to win this mini battle. I closed my eyes as the first glass hit my empty stomach.