“You know on one hand you tell me she is all right and on the other you want her to die…I don’t understand.”

He looked into my eyes. Barely a whisper…….

“A created mode of force……..”

“……………………..”

That first time it was like drowning. Like someone chocking me as I went down and down into the abyss. The abyss that was staring back into me. Its like standing on a dock and watching your life sail away, floating there, drifting there, the sails getting smaller and smaller till gone, a beast maybe biting your arm, my arm really. Floating away while I was awake, blood dripping down my throat…then it got weird.

The room is bathed in light. The ceiling is a mural to the cracked universe. I stand and slashes of red cut across me. No retreat, no surrender. I’m not myself. Carmen is telling me to take her hand. I can’t. The woman from the garden, old men, guns, bloody noses, a cabin in the snow, an axe cutting a tree, sex with no name, blood, bullets hitting the walls, knives in backs, fires, nuns, baseball players, frozen frames of film, time codes, molecular structures, kisses, a dead cat, my nose bleeding. I don’t remember what day it is.

Then it gets serious. Seriously…..

A beautiful blonde is making tea. Her apartment is warm and its raining. Her hair is more bleached than blond but she still shines. Only a t-shirt hides what she is. I was sleeping. I was sleeping on her bed. Her place was that kind of place that is just one huge room, with ledges to put things, crates for chairs, a plastic white table to dine and write, plants, music from an old boom box, the 1983 silver kind, bookcases held up by plywood and cinder blocks…..Flashes of kissing, of her nipples in my mouth, unreal throbbing in between my legs when I look at her. How did I get here?

It happened before. I knew it. I felt it. Time can’t just disappear right? Sure it can like I said it happens all the time, to me. Over and over. Again and again. I say a silent prayer, not that he would listen, but maybe…..just maybe to save this poor girl.

Tbc