Confusion.

The beat was too long. In Survivalism they teach you not to stand out or not to seem weird. Pausing like that and trailing off is the closest way to get tagged as a weirdo liar.

“I’m sorry….I was thinking about how great it was. And I was thinking of all my shitty luck to meet a girl who feels so much.”

 I say this to her. More charming lies. They teach that as well. Always be what you are not. Always be what you think their dream is.

“No one’s ever called me a girl Shane. I was a chick, a dudette, bitch, slut, cunt, liar, thief, sell out, dyke, carpet muncher, sweetheart, sweetie pie, sexy buns, but never a girl…….Where do you come from Shane? You have this weird accent, like…I….don’t know…..a bunch of accents or something mixed together, you have all these scars on you, you knew my work…my tagging up….who are you? What do you do?”

Panic.

 She knew. The sex wore off and it finally hit her that I couldn’t hide what I was really…on the inside. The scars always give it away…..At Survivalism they teach you to avoid this conversation. They had training missions like this, The Black Widow Protocol. I was to get up, get dressed, walk to the bathroom, place the silencer at the end of the gun barrel, twist, twist, twist, and walk out of the bathroom and fire three shots into Cat. Two in the face and one in the chest, high in the chest, low…it was low, like where the gallbladder would be, bones connect, hiding organs that bleed life support, it was the most basic target in terms of anatomy, which we had on Tuesday’s and Fridays, Carmen would wear a white head band on Friday and a red tank top on Tuesdays. She was so predictable it was one of the things that drew me to her. In that class the instructor wore a white uniform with a red cross, like on those Saint Bernard rescue bottles, I always thought it meant Medic, it usually did…Black Widow is when sexual contact is needed for the mark. Once intimacy was achieved and information was revealed the subject was to be erased. If the cover was blown before information bleed and she kept talking and asking ill conceived questions the mark was done. After all the mark did do something to earn the visit. Death was inevitable no matter the attraction. I suddenly realize that is what got me into trouble…I think…. Before.