Dearest T,
Im unsure of where to begin; I could make continuous apologies and repeat statements of love over and over, but you have no reason to believe in them and that is completely my fault. I wanted to offer you a letter that would maybe give you some answers to the questions I suspect you have. I guess the first question I should answer is, why a letter? Well, I was unsure of how you would react to my sudden presence on your doorstep and, if Im honest, I was unsure of how I would react to seeing you after all I have inflicted upon you. I didnt know how you would feel hearing my voice, I simply dont know how you feel and this is one of the reasons I wrote this, to find out. I wanted to open the lines of communication between us T, but I want you to be in control of them. I want you to feel free to respond to this but on entirely your own terms and I guessed having me at your door or at the other end of the phone would definitely inflict unnecessary pressure.
Ive been doing a lot of thinking since you left and one definite problem I hit upon was my constant attempt to be in control of you. I realised that my own pathetic expectations of myself made me lose perspective of what was truly important. I also realised that when I failed to live up to my own expectations I blamed you and expected more of you. I have no reason to justify my behaviour T, but if I have to explain myself the only explanation I can give is that I love you. I know that sounds silly but hear me out. You are the first and only person that I ever allowed to get so close to me. You are the other half to me, a part of me that resides in those secret places that no one else can get to, aside from that special person that holds the key, that person was and still is you. In being such an integral part to Bette Porter that meant the same standards were expected of you that were expected of me. Im sorry how these expectations always took precedent over you and how I lived my life trying to impress Melvin, instead of standing up to him and defending my wife as I should of done.
I also realised the impact work had on my life and how I let it eat away at my time, the time I should have spent with you. Maybe if I had been at home more we wouldnt have drifted apart like we did. Maybe I could have opened up to you and told you about all those pressures I was feeling, how I didnt know if I would be a good mother or a good partner or provider. I let all these feelings eat away at me; I let them drive me away from you into the refuge of work and ultimately the refuge of Candace. I want you to know that she was never a match for you, she was never meant to be. She was just a source of escapism; you know the way people drink or do drugs, that was all she was for me. I dont know if that makes it better or worse that I broke the sanctity of our marriage, I threw away all the love and trust you placed in me for a fix.
If there is one thing my behaviour has led you believe it is that youre not good enough. I dont want you to ever believe that, please dont ever take my behaviour as an indication of that. You are so much better than that; you are so much better than I am. You are stronger and wiser than I will ever be, you allow people to see the real you, you show those closest to you your real feelings. T, you are not afraid of yourself like I am and I want you to remember that. And if you can find it within yourself I want you to remember the good times, because we had many of them along the way.
I know this isnt all of it, I know there are far more places we went wrong than what Ive said but Im still on the path of figuring them all out and that will take time. I just want you to know Im sorry, I miss you and I love you, I know my actions tell a different story but please believe in this case that words speak louder than actions.