With all that I am.
Bette.
x

Tina couldnt help it; the tears she had promised herself she wouldnt shed were falling from the untapped fountain of pent up emotion she suddenly found in her. She didnt know how to react, whether she should rip the letter up into a million little pieces and throw them out, just like Bette had done with her heart. Or whether to take this remaining physical link she had to Bette, clutch it tightly to her chest and never let it go. She stared at the paper in her hands; she could imagine Bette writing it. She could see her moving hand gracefully touching the page, with words of love and encouragement emanating from her. Tina inhaled; she was convinced she could smell her wifes perfume lingering around the page, a ghost of a memory telling her to never give up hope.

In one frustrated reflex Tina scrunched up the letter and with a heart wrenching cry flung it across the room. It was going to take more than a letter to make Tina even consider forgiveness, it was going to take far more to make Tina forget. She felt Bette had stained her. That she had been marked by Bettes rejection and infidelity and that everyone else would see this mark. They would see that Tina Kennard was not the women they all thought she was. That she wasnt the great woman that had tamed the unstoppable Bette Porter. She thought that everyone would be able to see the insecurity and shattered self-confidence etched in that once flawless face. And she hated it. She despised the way that Bette, the love of her life, had done this.

And she hated that after suffering the ultimate humiliation and degradation at the hands of Miss Porter, she found herself still in love with her. She didnt want the protective instincts that had kicked in while reading about Bettes self-imposed analytical *****. Or the secret smile that graced her face while remembering those times Bette had asked of her. She could never escape the fact that Bette Porter was her entire life. She was that drug that flowed through her very veins. That soothed her, that lay her down, that let her escape the compound of reality. Bette was her addiction and at the moment she couldnt decide whether she wanted the bliss Bette offered or the pain that withdrawal would certainly provide.

She glanced over at the crumpled sphere of hope that lay dejected on the floor. That letter represented her relationship, seven years of love and trust lay in it and in one thoughtless move it was flung to the side, left to be forgotten amongst the debris of old memories and minuscule details that a person accumulates as time moves on. But as much a Tina thought she wanted that, she knew that desire would never be fulfilled. Her heart lay with Bette amongst the rubble that was once their relationship, and she couldnt let time just sweep that all away.