“I can understand that.  You have to trust yourself though.  You’ve come along way.  Look what you’ve survived already and if you do slip, you have to believe that we will catch you. We won’t let you fall.” As Shane finished Alice looked up at her and was about to respond but she sensed that Shane was considering saying more so she waited.

“You know I’m not one to ask about people’s personal lives until they’re ready to tell me but I’m going to throw a question out there which you totally don’t have to answer.  Do you feel like you’re walking along that path with someone now?  Do you feel like you’re walking with Tasha?”

Alice opened her mouth instinctively to respond but realised that she didn’t have an answer.  So instead she lay down on the blanket they’d been sitting on and stared up at the sky.  Within moments she sensed Shane lying next to her.  She was pleased.  Even though it was easier to talk to Shane than anyone else on the planet these days, Alice knew this conversation was getting difficult and not having to make eye contact made things easier.

“The truthful answer to your question Shane is that I don’t know.  I know I care about Tasha, I like her a lot, I may even love her, and I think there is the potential there for me to fall in love with her.  But that’s only if I can find a way to get my heart back from Dana – and then I hear myself say that and inside I’m screaming that I don’t want my fucking heart back from Dana because I loved her so much and I’ll always love her and I don’t want to lose that even though it’s painful.   It’s such a fucking mess.”

“You’re right, it is a mess.  But you know what, not only do you have to trust yourself but you have to trust Dana as well.  She knew you better than anyone and she would have thought carefully about anything she might have written in a letter to you.  The way I see it opening what she left for you can only be a good thing and maybe in some weird karmic way the universe is actually helping you by having this happen while even though you have Tasha in your life she’s also far enough away to let you have some space to work through this the way you need to.”

“So does that apply to you too?”

“Huh?” Shane replied questioningly turning on her side and looking at her friend as she shielded her eyes from the setting sun behind her.

“What you said about trusting Dana.  I saw the letter for Carmen in the box.  I know that you were together when Dana wrote those letters but she knew you pretty well too.  Even if the letters assume you were still together when you read them it doesn’t mean they assumed you’d be together forever.  You never had closure with Carmen.  Maybe that weird karma is trying to tell you something too!”

“I’ve done some pretty shameful things in my life Alice but how I treated Carmen, the way I did what I did, that’s something I’ll never forgive myself for.  The worst part is, since I had Shay in my life, I actually believe I’ve become a better person than who I was then, but why should Carmen have to reopen an old wound just to make me feel better?”

“Who says the wound is closed for her?  None of us have seen her since Shane?  Even I with my finger on the pulse have no idea where she is, what she’s doing , who she’s with.  She might need closure just as much as you do?”

“Maybe” Shane quietly acknowledged.  “So, what we’ve managed to establish is that we both should trust Dana.  We need to read those letters and we’ll figure it out from there?”

“Yep that’s about it.  Can we wait a while though? I think I’ve had just about enough for one day.”