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Provocations Linger- Chapter Five (revisited and revised)
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Dreading either answer, she raised her eyes to meet Tina’s.
Tina returned her gaze looking equally frightened. Finally, she nodded.
“I was terrified.” Bette began simply. Gathering her thoughts she wished she could take Tina’s hand.
“As soon as I saw your face in the mirror I knew I’d lost you. You knew. I’d cheated on you Tina… and you knew.”
“You could barely speak to me. Nothing I said meant anything to you. There wasn’t a thing in the world I could have said that night that would have reached you.
“T-… I panicked. I just…I fucking panicked. I had to make you listen, to love me again. I needed so badly to feel a connection with you, to feel… us, that thing that we share.”
“I guess I thought that if I could make you feel… something… our connection… That you’d remember,” Bette took Tina’s hand, wishing she’d look at her.
“You’d remember that we love each other and maybe… maybe you’d stay and talk to me?” She peered into Tina’s eyes, trying to read her reaction.
“So you threw me on the bed and ripped my dress off?” Tina asked quietly.
Bette groaned, shaking her head. She tried to swallow. There were no words but she owed it to Tina to have this conversation. Her voice thick, she continued,
“You weren’t hearing me. You were hysterical. I needed you to hear me Tina. To believe that I loved you and that I was so fucking sorry to have hurt you. I wanted you to feel…”
“You wanted. You needed…” Tina sounded exhausted.
“What about what I wanted? What I needed? Bette… I needed to get out of there! I needed to go somewhere and scream and be by myself. I wasn’t ready to feel a connection with you! Did you consider me at all before you went where you went? Fuck!”
Tina stopped herself, taking a deep breath.
Bette shook her head miserably. “Not then,” she admitted.
“I need to take a break from this conversation.” Tina whispered.
She turned and leaned toward the window, tucking her feet up next to her. Bette wished desperately to know whether Tina would like her to return to her seat or sit quietly with her.
She would give anything to have an answer to offer Tina that would soothe her. Or at least satisfy her need to understand.
The truth was Bette didn’t have the slightest idea she was going to ‘go there’ till she was on top of Tina. Initially she’d just been trying to control Tina’s arms and stop her from hitting her.
Holding her down against the mattress in that frenzied state had affected Bette. The dominance of the act had aroused her and she had allowed herself to view it as sexual rather than controlling.
Looking back at the event she had tried to reason with herself that Tina had enjoyed being dominated at times during their love making…”
Bette shook her head knowing that particular defense would not help her. The truth was that Bette had been desperate to feel a connection to Tina anyway she could make one, with or without her consent.
Tina’s continual use of the term ‘rape’ had shocked Bette. Did she really see it that way?
TBC
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Glad to have you back! I really love this story.
Such a difficult conversation, when there’s differing recollections of what happened. thanks for posting
I remember the pages and pages of debate we had on TWOP over that supercharged word. Tempers flared, lines were crossed, people got bounced from the site for their inflammatory rhetoric. Rape. There, you said it, and I’m proud of you for going there. So many years later, can we cooly reflect on the passions of that night? Wow, what a way to end a season!!! Bette and Tina wrecked on the shores of infidelity! Season One was great, even with the Marcus Allenwood’s stupid girlfriend and Jenny’s mushroom trip. It was great, I tell you! You’re bringing it back. Thanks!
” The dominance of the act had aroused her and she had allowed herself to view it as sexual rather than controlling.” – interesting to finally see what was going through their minds at that time – wow
This was such a hard scene to watch in season 1 and it is still hard to remember it this far out. It brings up such uncomfortable feelings still. This conversation was great. Thanks for bringing this story back!
What an excellent chapter. The way you wrote about the rape scene was extraordinary. So complex, and so subjective. I’m really loving reading this story.
Wow this was a hard conversation. I, too, shuttered at the word ‘rape’. It is so hard, I remember at that time a lot of conversation going on around whether that was or was not rape. What I do know is that the conversation was hard in this chapter and will continue to be hard. You’ve got me hooked, amazing writing, and thank you!
This was the chapter that got me so hooked on your story in the first place. When Tina used the word rape, I remember thinking, What?! And then I went through the scene in my mind. You’ve written this so well, from both perspectives…I can’t wait for the rest of the conversation. Fantastic writing!! Thank you!!
I just have one question, you are going to finish it? I remember reading the first post and you left us hanging. please tell me we’re going to get a good ending
I think this story remains one of the most thoughtful and sensitive on the site. Glad you’re reposting.
that was the hardest scene to watch in season 1, so well done…the way you wrote about it brought back all those painful memories for them both but if they will survive that, they should be okay, right? i hope so :)
Awesome story and update. Thank you for posting. Excellent!