“So you are going to see your brother?”

“I can stay and be with you. I want to stay….even if it’s just to be here when you get back.”

She smiled. Sad and sweet.

“No….you need to be with your family…..I’ll call you.”

“Are you ok Carmen?”

“Not really. This is all so sudden. Everything feels like it being sucked right out of me, like my heart and everything else….why would he do this?”

“He probably felt like there was nothing left for him. He probably felt like he reached the end of his road. My mother left me a note. Did Bruce leave a note?”

“He said that he didn’t have a soul anymore. He said he was decaying matter……he said that the things in the dark where always after him…….he…..said he loved me…..and he loved Simon…..”

‘Simon?”

“Our baby…either boy or girl…..he said the name could work either way. What did your mother say?”

“Just keep on smiling in crowded rooms.”

We sat there for the longest time in silence. From different worlds. Walking different lines until now. I kneeled in front of her. And this time I took her face in my hands and I kissed her. She opened her mouth just enough so I could feel her tongue. It made me flicker and burn but I kept in check. She wanted to take it further, I could feel her opening up, feel her hands move along my back. She rose up from the sofa and took me with her. Her hands grabbing at me, trying to get my t-shirt off. I hold both arms of hers and pushed her away just enough to slow it down and catch my breath.

‘Hey……Carmen….I don’t want you to stop….I really don’t. But we have to. You have to take care of Bruce and yourself, and I don’t want you think of me and us in this moment….”

“You are right I am sorry. I just needed to feel something different. You are something different,” she whispered. Her hand rubbed her lips again. Every time she did that it made me want drag her into a cave. She was silent again, thinking then she said, “I knew it from the moment we met.”

“I am sorry for Bruce, sorry that you are feeling alone. But I won’t leave you. Not unless you tell me. Here use my phone, make your call I am going to clean up.”

“Thank you Shane.”

I was in the bathroom for the longest time just staring at the walls. I knew there was something off about Bruce. I didn’t really know him at all. But he seemed strange after the night we all ate the mushrooms. And now Bruce was dead. Shot himself symbolically in front of the school he and Carmen met.

I filled the sink with water and dunked my head in for a while. The water was cold and numbed my brain just for a moment. I flashed back to when dad told me about mom. I could hear him still say it in my mind…..”Your mother left us, she is gone…….” She was always my mother after that. Not his wife, not the woman he loved. I understood.

When I walked out of the bathroom Carmen was gone. I guessed her body guard was near by. I changed and packed the only things I had and called Dana and had her book me the next flight out to New York. I called my folks, left them a message that I was coming home for a week. They where happy. But I was not.

To be continued…..