You remember seeing Josh for the first time after you heard the news. You remember that feeling – almost as if someone had opened a cage inside you, letting all your rage out. Nobody had to tell you it was him, that vile piece of horseshit. You remember screaming at him, tears in your eyes from anger and pain. You remember feeling like you could just motherfucking kill that bastard for touching Tina with his filthy, unworthy hands. You remember feeling like you could barf at the thought of what he had done, the selfish arrogant asshole. You remember punching him, kicking him until your hands were bleeding, still not finding yourself able to stop. You’d lost all control.

You remember the soft touch of her hand on your arm, just as you were about to kick his jaw. You turned around. She looked at you, right into your eyes. She calmly told you to stop and it was all you could do not to fall on your knees and cry at her feet. You were so close then, so close to telling her that you love her, that you always have.

You didn’t, not then.

Instead, you went to Dana and you pretended she was Tina once again. Moaned Tina’s name once again. Felt incredibly guilty towards Dana once again, but you honestly can’t help it.

Tina is so lovely. She’s talented, awesome, smart, strong, loyal to a tee, witty, soft, sweet, intense. She warms your heart with one look, as much as it disgusts you to admit.

You can never stay angry with her for too long. She has hurt you in the past, but it’s what happens if you really care about someone, right? You hurt them sometimes. And she just has to look at you and tell you she’s sorry and you can’t bring yourself to stay mad at her.

Because you love her and you forgive her.

You believe in her.

You live and breathe for her. So much that sometimes it scares you. Sometimes you think that maybe you should try to let her go. Sometimes, at night, you think you’ve accepted the fact that she will never want you. And you think you’re okay with that, if you can be her friend.