Over the next couple of years, you got to know her better. You’ve never been stupid and you figured out soon enough that she liked you the way you were supposed to like boys. She was always looking at you and trying to make you laugh. She always defended you, even if there really was no reason to. She’d always agree to do whatever you wanted. She always did everything you asked her to do.

It made you feel good about yourself. You loved the kind of power you had over her. It was just so fascinating to know that you only had to snap your finger and your wish would be her command. You remember testing this for fun sometimes, when you were bored and you would see to what lengths she’d go for you.

She let you have all the covers in the bed on sleepovers, even though you didn’t need them and you knew that she was cold. And you did feel bad about it, a little bit, so you ended up lying really close to her.

You told her you had an intense craving for candy even though you knew she had just spent the last of her pocket money on your friendship bracelets. She stole five dollars from her parents.

You asked her to jump into the pool even though you knew that she was afraid of water. She did it, for you. She never questioned why you would even ask that of her.

In a strange, perverse way, you loved her for all of it. But you’d been brought up not to be affectionate with anyone, so you let yourself fall over the border of the patio so that she would hold you in her arms and let you cry on her shoulder. She never knew what you were really crying for.

You know you’re not a good person, you’ve always known. The thing is, you never really knew that was expected of you. Your parents taught you that it was important to uphold a perfect image. Nobody was allowed to see any kind of flaws. It was also important to keep enemies close – just as important as trying to influence (manipulate, really) people to do what you want them to do. Having power over other people and using it to your benefit, deceit and the image of perfection were the core values of your upbringing. Always pretend, never care. Don’t get emotionally attached. Keep your best interests at heart.