“Excuse me.” she side stepped Bette in the hallway and walked into the kitchen. She arrived in the kitchen and didn’t know what to do next so she sprayed the refrigerator excessively and began wiping it down vigorously. Bette couldn’t believe that she’d chosen to ignore her like that. The very act of ignoring her in such a manner all but confirmed everything that she’d feared all night long at Justine’s. bette walked into the kitchen and saw how Tina had her back to the entrance way as she was on her knees unnecessarily wiping down the refrigerator.

　

“Tina,” she saw the way Tina dropped her head at her voice but she didn’t turn around instead she half way turned her head giving Bette absolutely no eye contact. “If you don’t love me anymore or you want out of this family I wish you would just say so, instead of dragging us along making the kids feel like they’re an obligation and me like a fucking weight around your neck.”

Bette stomped down the hallway and went into their bedroom. She went to he side of the bed, she didn’t know what to do next so instead she sat down and began rubbing her rubbing trying to ease what was undoubtedly an early migraine.

Tina rounded the corner of the hallway and she knew it time to tell Bette exactly why she‘d chosen to keep herself hidden from her for so long. She pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and took down two shots beforehand so she wasn‘t feeling to jittery. Tina saw the way Bette’s body was seated on the bed and she couldn‘t believe she‘d been the cause of all this animosity and uncertainty in her wife. Never once did she want Bette to ever doubt the love she had for her. “We can’t stop it.” she slightly bit her lip as she spoke.

“What?” Bette asked as she looked at her partially worn out wife standing in the doorway of their bedroom. Her eyes were glassy and unfocused no doubt from the shot she’d taken to steady herself before this conversation.

“We can’t stop it… We… can’t… stop it. Those words are the only ones I hear when you talk about pregnancy.” Tina took a side step and rested her back against the inside of the door. She felt so heavy she hadn’t really noticed that she was sliding down to the floor. “You were right there with me– with us and then you were gone.” she closed her eyes at the words as her heart felt that familiar and painful lurch at the memory. “I was looking at Azi and telling you he was the most magnificent thing I’d ever seen” Tina spoke with her hands as her eyes were now shedding unfazed tears. “And then it started. That god damn… Beep……..Beep…….Beep…….. And then there was nothing. We can’t stop it. I turned my back for a second,… just a second and you were gone away from me. Your skin was pale and your eyes were gone. The only movement you gave me was from when she climbed on top of you to start compressions. I fell trying to get to you, I touched your hand…” Tina began to cry harder but she continued despite the tears. “I touched your hand before they carried me outside. It was so lifeless, you weren’t there anymore.” Tina dug the heel of her palm into the bridge of her nose crying uncontrollably now. Finally she dropped her hand and saw Bette’s face, she’d never told her this story. It scared her to much, the memory kept her up at night watching over Bette like she would disappear if she didn’t keep an eye on her. She couldn’t find it in her to reveal these secrets to Bette, so she thought burying them deep down would make her forget everything from those horrible moments.