I closed my laptop and I smiled at her. “Did you find it?”

“Find what?” she asked with a confused expression.

“That something incredibly important” I reminded.

Looking heartbreakingly upset, she shook her head. “I thought I left it behind …. Now I know I lost it in the process ”

“Oh” hard to believe I was a woman who manipulated words for a living huh? “um …” oh yes, I was a phenomenally talented writer alright. “Maybe I accidently threw it out while cleaning” I said, finally managing to string together a few words.

She simply shook her head, looking beaten and worse than I’ve ever seen her look. I was tempted to go over and hold her but it was no longer my place. My heart tightened with pain just looking at her, she was hurting. “Dana …. we can get a replacement” What could be so important that it’d have her looking this beaten? I wondered. Whatever it was, it had me feeling oddly jealous.

“There is no replacement, no equivalent, nothing I love more” she shifted her gaze down but not before I saw the tears she was trying to conceal.

I jump up from my chair quickly making my way to our inspiration spot. I was burning with jealously over this ‘thing’ yet I still went to her knowing she needed me right now. “If this is a ploy to get a hug then shame on you!” I joked, disappointed when her previously silent whimpering gave way to a loud sob. I held her as she continued to cry at the same time feeling incredibly guilty for enjoying the feel of her in my arms, her breath on my neck, her beautifully athletic arms around my waist, her chest heaving against mine. She was in pain! I chided myself, but there was no quelling the rush of bittersweet pleasure she ignited. I’ve missed holding her.

I tighten my hold until nothing remained between us. “It’s okay Dana” I whispered, gently rubbing her back.

It took her a few minutes to settle when she finally did, she sat upright and looked at me. “I’m sorry” she choked out.

“For what?”

“Behaving like a baby” she blushed suddenly embarrassed.

“You’ve always been a big baby Dana” I joked, trying to easy her discomfort.

It didn’t work, the room grew quiet, neither of us knowing what to say.

“What was it?” I finally speak up.

“What?” she frowned.

I was beginning to really worry about her now. She had just spent a good ten minutes crying over what ever it was she managed to misplace and now she was asking what? “This something important – What are you looking for?!”   ”

“It doesn’t really matter now. It something I threw away, I not entirely sure I deserved it in the first place.” she exclaimed.

“Tell me” I insisted. Looking into the eyes of the only woman I ever truly loved, I felt a strange mix of dread and exhilaration as I waited for her response. “Dana?”

The silence that followed was tortuous but it was the look in her watery blue eyes that killed me.

“Your love” she whispered with great regret.