“Uhm, thanks. It’s- beautiful,” I whispered, grunting to try and make my voice come out louder and with less emotion. I pretended I didn’t know the true meaning behind it to make things easier for myself. Carmen smiled and I closed the lid on the box and turned back to Jenny, eager for a smooth subject change. She got the point and took the box from me, setting it down and giving me the last one. It was from her and Moira, it was a journal, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more inviting to write on, it was like a piece of art.

“Wow, I love it Jen! Thanks girl,” I said and leaned in for a hug, one that hung on for a lot longer then just a ‘thanks for the present’ hug. It was obvious I was looking for comfort, I knew that, but I just needed it. “You don’t have the money for presents for me but thanks,” I whispered into her hair. She pulled back and smiled and then grinned as mischievously as she could. I rolled my eyes.

“Could you get me another beer?” I raised a brow, not expecting that, but shrugged and said okay. Everyone had long since gone back to their conversation which was totally not normal for a birthday party of mine but I knew my hard set jaw and downcast eyes where enough of a mood wrecker to keep their hugs and corny jokes at bay for tonight.

I walked up to the bar and asked for two beers.

“Three actually,” said a silky voice from behind me. Then a gorgeously bronzed hand slid a green bill onto the counter and the body it was attached to stayed ever so still, waiting for me. I let my jaw drop open and bit angrily at the tears that threatened to spill. Resting both my hands on the bar I breathed deeply, wondering why all of a sudden I was sitting on the teacup ride at the fair. When the room finally stopped spinning I placed my plastic, uncaring, unforgiving smile on my face and turned around.

“Thanks,” I said and perked the corners of my lips up even more. Carmen looked hurt at the fa&#231ade I was putting on, but I enjoyed putting the hurt there for some reason and couldn’t stop. I needed to see that hurt again. I realized none of this made a lot of sense, I was the one Carmen had ‘caught’ on the couch with Drew, but if she knew me at all, and actually trusted in our love, she would have known that I would never do something like that to her. I love her to much. The old me would have done that, *****, had done that but not now, not anymore. And she, she should know, because she’s the reason there is a new me. Or was.