Okay. How hard can this be? Im doing the right thing, right? Im breaking two peoples hearts, but I am doing the right thing. Yeah. Why is this so hard?

Ellie? I say. Shes fast asleep. The covers all over the floor, her pyjama top splayed half way up her back, her right arm hanging over the side of the bed. Ellie, sweetheart? I say again as I open the shades. I sit down beside her on the bed and rub her back. Come on baby, its 7.30, time to get up.

Im up. She mumbles sleepily, turning on her side and burying her head under the pillow.

I stand up and loiter in the doorway.
Baby, get dressed, breakfast is ready, okay?

No Answer.

Ellie? Please come on, Ive made pancakes, theyll get cold.

She sits up in slow motion, and runs her fingers through her hair. She looks like shes been dragged through a hedge backwards. She yawns and rubs the sleep out of her eyes.

I dont want pancakes. She says sullenly. I want cornflakes.

I Say. You have cornflakes every day.

Why am I doing this? Why am I putting us all through this *****?

Thats right mom. I do, because you see, I like them.

And there it is. Ah. Sarcasm. Like Bette, but shes smiling as she says this. Its Bettes smile born again. You might say how can a child look so much and act so much like someone she doesnt even know or is even related to, really. I dont know? Devine, retribution? But I wasnt the one who did anything wrong? Was I?

Well todays a special day. I say to her.

Why, whats going on?

Ill tell you, when you get up.

Okay. She replies. But I still dont want pancakes.

Ellie, you could at least, try . . .

Mom, pleaseeeeeeeeee?????

Okay, okay, fine. I throw my hands up in the air in defeat. Anybody would think I was trying to make her eat poison. She is so not a morning person. I slowly make my way down the stairs, and go in to the kitchen to pour her a bowl of cornflakes, making sure I put on plenty of sugar. Im crying, why am I crying? I caused this situation. This is what I want. But why is it so hard? Why the ***** did I insist on doing this alone? Why couldnt I have agreed to let Helena and I do this together? Is this my way of punishing myself for what Im doing? I start making a pot of coffee. Ill feel better when I get some caffeine inside of me I tell myself. When I turn around Ellies sat at the table eating her cornflakes.

Can I have some orange juice mom?

Sure. I go over to the refrigerator and pull out the juice and place it in front her.

Mom? I dont like that one. Its got all bits floating around. I want the other stuff.

We dont have any of the other stuff. I say a bit too harshly. Why am I getting angry with her? None of this is her fault, its all me, its all my fault. I apologise to her.
Im sorry Ellie, I didnt mean to snap at you.

She gets up and goes to the refrigerator and retrieves the other juice. The one with no bits, in. She turns and looks at me with a triumphant expression on her face. Thats okay mom, look? Its right here.

I snatch the carton out of her hand and pour the contents down the sink.
Now we dont. God what is wrong with me?

She stands there staring at me, like Im this crazy person. Bloody ***** mom. She says. Tears are forming in her eyes. I can tell shes wondering what the ***** wrong with me. Whats wrong with you?

I take her hand and point to the chair. Sit down baby and finish your breakfast. I sit down opposite her, and take in a deep breath. Im sorry Ellie, I shouldnt have done that. And listen, I dont want you cursing like that, okay?

But mum does, she says it all the time.

Well mums an adult Ellie, youre not. So I dont want to hear you say it again, okay I say the last part a little more softly.

Okay.

I lean over and stroke her cheek.

Whats the matter mom, somethings wrong? I know somethings wrong. Wheres mum?

You know me and mum love you dont you Ellie? She nods. We love you more than anything in the world, we both do, But Ellie.

She interrupts.

Are you and mum splitting up? She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, and I can tell shes holding her breath.

I cant say anything at that moment, so I just smile at her lovingly.

I kind of figured, you, Were. She says in that little grown up voice of hers.

Why did you figure that, Ellie?

She carries on spooning her cornflakes in her mouth.

Ellie, talk to me baby?

Huh?

Why did you think that?

Well doesnt everyone split up and get divorced?

Ten years old I think to myself and already shes so pessimistic. I take hold of her hand. Please dont think that way Ellie, theres lots of people who live happily together all their lives. Im sure, you will too when you get older. Its just that me, and Helena have decided we are better off living apart from another. We dont make each other happy anymore, and youd want us both to be happy wouldnt you?

Yes. Where is she, where is mum?

Shes gone to a hotel for the time being. She told me to tell you last night, that she would call you today, and that she would come and see you soon.

What time?

What baby?

What time did she say she would call?

I dont know, she didnt say a time, she just said she would call you later today.

Yeah, but what does that mean? What time does that mean?

I guess she meant some time after dinner.

Why has she gone to a hotel?

Well I told you baby, we decided we arent going to be together anymore, so we need some time apart, to
think about things.

But youre getting a divorce.

Yes.

So youll be apart.

I know ba . . .

Whatever. I dont care.

Ellie Im sorry.

She shrugs. Thats okay. She starts bouncing her knee up and down, and I want to get up and stop it.

Baby, its not okay. But I want you to know, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever, its not your fault, so dont ever think that.

Okay. She says a little shakily. And I can tell she has something on her mind. Something is troubling her.

Good, okay, remember we both love you, and no matter what we will both continue to be your parents.

So she still wants to be my mum, even though shes leaving?

Oh, of course she does, Ellie. Helena loves you, you know that.

I love her too. But mom?

She looks at me now with a puzzled look on her face.

What baby? I say softly.

Was it my fault that Bette porter didnt want to be my mom?

What? No, she doesnt even know about you Ellie, I told you that I left before I had the chance to tell her. Im sure if she would have known she would have loved you just as much as me and Helena does. I take a deep breath. In fact when I tell her about you, I know shell fall in love with you, shell have no choice.

Youre gonna tell her about me? She says wide eyed, Bettes eyes.

Yes. I think its time she knew the truth about you.

But, Helena will still be my mum wont she, that wont change will it? Shes concerned now.

No, that wont change, shell always be your mum Ellie, no matter what happens. I put her mind at rest.

So does that mean Ill have three moms? Ellie grinned.

Maybe. I laugh.

Cool. She says gliding off through the doorway. Mom She shouts. How long do you have to train to be a tightrope walker?








TBC>>>>>>>>>