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From the previous chapter –
At home, Tina slipped her shoes off and changed in to a big t-shirt as Bette pulled the covers off the bed for her, then tucked her in with a light blanket. She dimmed the light and kissed Tina’s forehead. “I will check on you in a little bit. Need anything?”
“Maybe that heating pad we have in the bathroom? The cramps are getting worse, that might help. I don’t want to take anything just yet.”
“Should we call Dr. Wilson?”
“If they don’t get better, then yes. I am just so tired, Hon.”
Bette returned with the heating pad, lifting the covers to place it gently on Tina’s belly under her shirt before taking off her work clothes and putting on a pair of joggers and a tank. She crawled in behind Tina to wrap her arms around her.
Tina snuggled in immediately, Bette’s hand going over the heating pad, over the baby, over her world. When Tina’s legs were settled in their usual place between the brunette’s, Bette whispered in the nearest ear. “Rest, Baby. I am right here.” Tina sighed and nodded, closing her eyes. Held. Safe.
Bette sat in the surgery waiting room, her hands cupping a full, cold cup of coffee which she had neither the energy nor the desire to drink. Or put down. Or throw away. She simply held it because unclenching her fingers and putting it down required a decision from her, and she was out of decisions. She was done deciding things that required anything from her.
She already made some tough choices in the past two hours. Really tough, gut wrenching decisions, knowing what the conclusion of her day would be yet making the decisions anyway. All around her, she could hear beeping from the monitors at the nursing station nearby, overhead calls for assistance, hospital employees passing her on their way to or from somewhere, patients shuffling by with therapists.
The hospital was a busy, busy place and she gritted her teeth, wanting the world to stop. Stop and take notice of the tremendous loss that was happening in surgery. Stop and mourn. Stop and notice that everything had changed.
She envied the hospital staff in a way. Envied their ability to be surrounded by so much pain, so much hurt, so many decisions and still go about their business. She felt numb, a hallow shell of herself like she was forgetting something, had left something behind. And in a way she had.