That was one of the reasons my spirit and heart were tortured relentlessly by my own behavior.  I’d asserted my thoughts clearly regarding monogamy, loyalty and…cheating. 

Still, I defied my own dictum.  Making the lament for what I lost even more acute.

I continued, “I know I’ve been a little harsh in the past but everyday and increasingly so.  I’m really, really proud of you.”  Smiling, she put her hand over mine and we shared a silent moment of understanding. 

Resuming attention to our food, we talked about the upcoming show lightly.  The continued progress of The Planet’s operations and financial status was also a topic of conversation. 

As we stood to clean up after ourselves I brought up the call received that morning.  That Emma was to be my guest and she wanted to talk further.

Incredulously Kit asked, “Are you seriously considering it?”

Forcing a breath through my nostrils, straightening to full height, I answered.  “Well Kit, I turned it down.  But it’s an option.  A thrilling one at that.  Just like The Planet was for you.”

Pensively I went on,  “I’m not saying I’ll accept but it doesn’t hurt to talk about it.  I have to think about how things may unfold.  Everyone has moments to contemplate important changes and rightly so, afford them proper consideration.  And well, you know how I am.  I plan for everything after careful assessment.” 

My regret was apparent as I qualified my last remark with an amendment.  “Well except for my irrational recklessness with…with her.”

Then the pain was involuntarily shielded from her when my eyes shut tightly.  The tension in me was palpable as I clenched my teeth.  It’s never been easy for me to acknowledge dereliction.  After all this time, the words were still agonizingly raw. 

“Except for my affair.  My failure with Tina.”

Wordlessly Kit approached me, enfolding me when she came within arms’ length.  “It’s ok baby sis,” her tone that of a mother reassuring a child. 

Holding me close leaving no room for anything but a returned embrace, she confirmed, “I’m here.”

Kit knew exactly what I needed.  Only she and Tina understood me better than most…but not to the extent they should maybe.  I carefully safeguard my vulnerabilities even from them.  At times because I believe these two especially needed me to be steadfast the most.