Yet what had I confessed then – that I had overestimated myself?  A clear sign of misjudgment. 

Resting my head in the crook of her neck, I sniffled softly as the tears my eyes surrendered dampened her shirt.  My almost inaudible ‘Thank you’ was muffled by her closeness. 

A proximity I welcomed wholeheartedly.

This occurrence was quite rare.  It’s no secret the standards I hold captive as benchmarks are rigid and often unyielding. To a fault even.  Self-imposition of certain characteristics and wanting to serve as the paradigm.  In part, borne of the staunch posture Daddy expected and life events that molded me.

I don’t doubt these qualities test people’s patience, especially those content with mediocrity.  We accept each other with marked tolerance.  It needs to be said I don’t think I’m better than them necessarily.  Rather, that contradictory behavior to excellence offends my senses. 

Exemplified while serving as the gallery’s director.  I take pride in my work. Demanding of others and myself without immunity.  Identifying my success and self-worth with it – perhaps too much. 

Obviously, my losing her has put things into perspective.  But it’s what I cling to now, to keep me from suffocating in anguish.  Although I won’t deny I want more…I yearn for a family of my own.  I confessed to Tina I needed for us to start one.  The desire for a child hasn’t faded.  Nor has the idea of her faded.

So there it is.  I’ve breathed this ethic for distinction most of my life.  A child of an exacting parent, admired student, trustworthy friend, reliable sister, supportive partner, provider and definitive professional. 

Roles accepted without any ill will.  Not claiming to be right or wrong, it’s the way I’ve approached life.  No effort spared.

Denying, whether in truth or masked in pretense, any allusion to weakness or boundaries.  Providing strength when needed.  Controlling situations whenever I can. Available for others to lean on my resolve and vigor, absorbing anxiety, pressure and pain while seeking then guiding or imparting resolution. 

Honestly, at times it was purely a veneer to engender confidence and capacity to endure.  A reality carefully defended from view.

Yet there are some days, more than I care to admit and concede to…when I need someone else to take that role for me.  Allowing me to surrender all control and any expectation of strength. 

Today was one of those days and I was glad Kit was here.  Frankly, there was only one other person I would wish with me during times such as this.

Belying perceived assurance and self-reliance I relished this embrace.  Like everyone else, I needed this.  Sometimes, I just…

I miss being held.