I’m not innocent to the accusation of letting things slip away from the other.  She told me herself that she felt excluded when I decided on the home birth without consulting her. 

Subconsciously taking control over what I could while struggling with the feared loss of attachment to my partner.

We drifted apart, mentally, emotionally then ultimately physically and the empty space became too much of a burden.  Surely this is reflective of many relationships and not unlike a lot of other couples. 

However, not everyone ends up in a lawyer’s office. 

How could things have ended up differently?  Well for one thing I made a mistake leaving my job when we decided to have a family.  Unnoticed, it affected my self-assurance over time.  The satisfaction begotten from closing deals, creating opportunities and engaging internal and external collaborators at Alphaville provided reinforcement to and belief in my capabilities.

It was never at the forefront of my priorities, my career focus I mean, but who doesn’t experience growth in confidence from professional success?  Not that the job defined me but it allowed me to concentrate expressing myself in a professional capacity, other than simply living vicariously through Bette’s experiences. 

I recall my thoughts from last week  – upon reflection, struck at how I hadn’t recognized this feeling of ‘me’ being almost masked by ‘us’.  More worrisome, the ignored seeds of resentment that had germinated as my ‘T’ was enveloped in one of Bette’s – devoured to some extent and not necessarily in a good way to her more forceful energy than I ever had, ever will in that arena. 

Most alarming, knowing that I had a role in this development, a willing participant.  Did my silent resentment build toward our growing indifference and eventual disintegration? 

My recent success at the Center has helped alleviate this feeling of helpless reliance and unfounded resentment toward her taking over decision-making responsibilities.  Those I had surrendered readily to some extent. 

I feel more settled, certain of myself since my involvement there, my initiative instilling the confidence that slipped in light of the feeling of being too dependent.

God these reflections are so disheartening and overwhelming.  The ‘Charlie Brown’ internal arguments of ‘her fault my fault’  just further my confusion regarding us. 

I should really attempt to focus on the details of today’s proceedings even if my head was still clouded with thoughts of our folly.