How do you be honest with others and let them in when you can’t even be honest with yourself and look at what’s inside yourself? Everyone will tell you this whole thing started with Cheri Fucking Jaffe. That she started the snowball of emotions in me, even when I tried to build the walls back up with Carmen, the emotions still came flooding through. They’d say that all that seemed to settle down a bit with my brother coming to stay with me for a while. But honestly??? The whole thing really started when I first started getting close to this whole group of women. When I let them get to know me, as little of me that I offered to them. Because in the end, I know that nothing will really ever change until I let my closest friends, the women that have become my family over the last 8-9 years, know the real me… but that would require me to finally step up to the plate and face my past myself, let alone expect anyone else to face it.

At first, I saw my past as something not really to hide, as much as something to just avoid. Too many questions, too many ways for others to judge me, or worse, pity me. These women have become my family, the last thing I wanted to see in their eyes was disappointment, fear, anger… and pity. I know I’ve had a shit life, I don’t need someone looking at me with that thought running through their head. I also know that despite my little relapses every once and a while, I’m a relatively well-adjusted individual. I mean shit, I could be a hell of a lot worse off than I am. I know others that are worse off than me at this stage of their life. But none of this knowledge changes what happened to me, what I’ve seen, done, or experienced. When I approach it this way, I can’t see why I have such a hard time admitting and sharing what I’ve lived through, but somehow, every time I start, I get caught right at the start line, and can’t take that step.