Do I really see myself settling into the Ossie and Harriet lifestyle of suburbia with Paige and her son Jared? No. Do I really think that Shay will just re-appear and we’ll be some happy little nuclear family? No. Does it change the fact that lately that’s all I can fantasize about even if I know its not true or ever will be? No… I think I just want it. I mean, I’ve always wanted that. A home, traditional parents, siblings, the whole nine yards. And I was always able to ignore it. But then I started letting down those walls, I started letting people know little things about me. I finally saw and felt what love was. I was suddenly given a family with my brother, short of a time as it was. And suddenly, I can’t ignore that lifelong dream anymore. I want it. Plain and simple.

But can someone like me have that life?

Does someone like me deserve that life? I don’t know.

So where do I start? What do I tell these women, my friends, my family about me? I’m on the fence. Part of me thinks they have known me long enough now that they will stand by me and stay the same with me no matter what I tell them. That maybe this will just give them more understanding about me and make us closer. But then that other part of me… that other part of me that thinks that maybe it will be just enough ammo for them to shoot me out of the water. Enough rope to hang myself, once again finding myself completely alone. And I’ve come too far and gotten too close to them to let myself lose this. I finally have a life. I don’t want to fuck that up.

But that hopeful part… it keeps telling me… they’ve seen you living out of your truck. They’ve seen you strung out. They’ve seen you beaten and broken. Hell, they’ve seen you fall in love only to leave her at the fucking alter! And they stayed.