Chapter 15

The next morning, Carmen woke up in Shane’s bed, sensing Shane’s scent all over her, with the feeling of Shane filling up every one of her pores and sighed. Despite everything that had happened, she had slept well. Very well.

She had fallen asleep into Shane’s arms almost immediately. She had fought against fatigue and exhaustion and tears just to tell Shane that yeah, she did love her – she was so fucking in love with her – but she didn’t want to be with her. That was the most important thing to clarify and Carmen felt the need to say it before the day was over.

She had expected Shane to overreact, but that hadn’t happened. On the contrary, Shane had just exhaled a slow, shaking breath and had cradled Carmen into her arms, kissing the top of her head, whispering into her ear, whispering that it was okay, that she just needed to rest. And Carmen had fallen asleep, partly relieved by Shane’s quiet reaction.

She would remember looking for Shane’s arms several times, during the night, her self-defenses unexpectedly weak, her body craving the intimate contact with her lover. Carmen remembered the small kisses they had shared – nothing really hot or sexy, no real foreplay -, tender kisses on the lips, on the exposed, warm skin of their bodies.

She remembered Shane’s soft hair, the faint scent of her cologne, the regular rate of her heart and her silent breathing. Their whole night together had been intimate and sweet, despite the hole they both were in, despite the cloud of dust rising all around them.

Carmen rubbed her eyes, staring at the ceiling, analyzing absent-mindedly the stripes of sunlight on the white plaster. She was alone in the bed and the side previously occupied by Shane was already cold. Shane’s pillow was crumpled, but the sheets were tidily arranged to cover Carmen’s body.

Carmen didn’t have any word to express how she felt. The emotions into her soul were way too numerous to be classified easily. She felt partly happy just to be still near Shane, but at the same time she felt the need to go away from her as soon as possible. Surely, she couldn’t stay there. There was no way in the world she could live there, with someone she loved, but who had so substantially betrayed her.