I sit at the foot of the bed. She, standing in front of me, leans in to kiss me. I feel her hands on my skin as she gathers the hem of my shirt. Pulling it over my head, she tosses it aside. She cups my face in her hands, kissing me again. She works her way to my neck and runs her hand down my back as she lays me down on the bed

Waking up I find a smile on my face. The shining sun peaks through the blinds. What a glorious morning. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and shake myself awake. As I slowly open my eyes to find myself in Alices guest roommy smile quickly fades. I wish I could retreat into thatthat half dream, half awake worldthat in between where there is no thoughtno historyno pain. I always seem to be happiest then. I have to get used to waking up alone now. Will that ever happen? NO, Tina, it wontnot until you put yourself out there. You cant let her actions dictate the rest of your life. You have to start living for yourselfwhether you let Bette back in or not. Live life like you were meant to.

I stand up and look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffythe result of another endless night of weepingmy hair tousled and uncombed. What am I going to do? I have to start somewhere. I knowIll call Kevin Humphrey at my old firm. I hope hes still there. You, Tina Kennard, are taking your life backstarting now.

I now find myself searching my roomwell, Alices guest room, for something to wear. Where did I put that duffel bag? There it is! I pull out a shirtwrinkledanotheralso, wrinkledone by one, I pull out each piece of clothing only to find the entire wardrobe is unwearable in its present state.

Alice, I yell, and begin choosing which outfit Ill iron first.

What, Alice bursts through the door, almost falling as she enters. Whats wrong sweetie? She seems panicked. I wonder whats wrong. Uh oh. She came because I yelled her nameshe must think somethings wrong with me.

Do you have an iron and ironing board? I say. Did that sound a little coy?

Alice lets out a deep sigh. You just need an iron? Do you realize that you almost gave me a heart attack? She approaches, opening her arms to me. Im glad to see youre back.

Im glad to BE back. Now, wheres that iron?

Alice looks at me for a long moment. Then smiles and says, itll be set up in the living room, when you get out of the shower. Let me know if you need anything else. Okay?

Okay Al, I will.

As Alice leaves, I browse around the room and spot a clean, folded towel on the chair. I rummage through my duffel bag once more and pull out my shampoo and soap, stopping to look out the window once more. It truly is a glorious morning.



That shower felt better than any shower has felt in a long time, I call to Alice in the kitchen as I enter my room. Is that my outfit hanging up? It is. Alice must have ironed it while I was in the shower. I get dressed quickly and go to thank her.

Here, she says before I open my mouth, have some coffee.

Thank you, Alice, I say, sitting across from her.

Youre welcome, she replies, still skimming the newspaper.

No, Alicethank youfor everything.

She folds the paper and sets it down looking up at me. Youre welcome, sweetie. A smile graces her face. Id do anything for you. You know thatright? She grabs the paper to pick it up again, but pauses. Whats your plan for today?

Im going to get my old job back, I say in a matter-of-fact tone, trying to believe it myself.

Well, good luck to ya, is her only reply. I dont think Alice believes me. Thats okayas long as she believes IN me…and that I KNOW she does.

Finishing my coffee I grab the phone and call Kevin.

Kevin Humphreys office, a woman answers.

Uh, hello, I stumble with the words, Is Kevin available?

Mr. Humphrey is out of town all week. Can I take a message?
There goes my momentum. I dont know if I can do this again next week. If I dont get the chance today, Ill be totally lost for another weekor even longer.

Hello, maam?

Uh, can you just tell him that Tina Kennard calledplease, I say before tears begin to well up in my eyes.

Kennard, Tina Kennard, she says my name like she knows me. Ms. Kennard, its Marcyyour old assistant!

Oh, Marcy, I exclaim almost giving Alice another heart attack. How are you?

Im okayI miss working for you though, she gushes. Is she trying to make me feel better? Of course not Tina! She doesnt know what youve been up toand she doesnt know why you called. We all miss you down here.

Well, I hope to change that Marcy.

You meanyoure coming back to work, shes getting excited.

I hope so. Actually, thats why I was calling. I need to speak with Kevin as soon as possible.

Sorry, no can do, she sounds disappointed. Hes out of touch until Mondaybut I CAN set you up with a meeting with Karl Ross.

Karl Ross, I repeat in disbelief. He doesnt have time to meet with me.

Just be here at eleven oclock Ms. KennardIll set up the rest. Shes conspiring to help me get my job back. Maybe she really does miss working with me.

Thanks Marcy, I say, appreciative of her efforts. Ill see you later.

Bye Ms. Kennardoh, andwelcome back.

Thats the second person in an hour thats said that to meand it feels good. Im on a roll today. I might even be able to drop by the house to pick up some more of my thingsor maybe not. A knot tightens in the pit of my stomach at the mere thought of going back to that house. I have to go back sometimejust to pick up some stuffand I cant do it while Bettes home. Ill just go by after this meetingthat way I dont have to worry about composing myself again. Ill go to this meeting and get my old job backthen Ill go to the house and get more of my stuffthen Ill come back here and plan the next step in getting my life back.



NO, I DONT WANT YOU TO CALL THE CASTING DIRECTOR!!!! DO YOUR OWN JOB OR YOURE JOINING YOUR TWO FRIENDS IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!!!!

11:05 Im sitting in the waiting area outside Karl Ross office. I dont know if I can do this. Hes going to eat me alive. I should have just waited for Kevin to get back into town.

Ms. KennardMr. Ross will see you know, the receptionist catches my attention just as a man leaves the officehis tail tucked between his legs.

I rise and, regaining my composure, then walk into the office.

Close the door Ms. Kennard, he says in a demanding voice. As I do so, he turns to face me and immediately changes his expression. Where a moment ago I saw a furrowed, angry brow, I now see his eyes dancingreflecting the smile on his lips. Have a seat, Tina, hes now more invitingeven charming.

Thank you, I say, approaching the chair.

Please tell me youre here to ask for your job back, he begs.

That was weird. How did he know why I was hereMarcy. Wait a minute, she once told me that most of the secretaries dont really converse with their bossesthats why she appreciated me so much. Then how

Tina, he inquires, are you with me?

Uh, yeah. I mean yes, I answer. Im here.

What can I do for you today? Why did you come all the way down here to grace me with your company?

Well, I begin slowly, I was wonderingmore like hopingto get my old job back.

Youre kidding, theres that smile again.

No. No, Im not

You got itwhen can you start?

Uh, well, I tell him, Im not sure. This is sooo surreal. When CAN I start? Not today thats for sure, I have to go get more clothesespecially if Im going back to work. I could start tomorrow, but its Friday and wouldnt make for a very productive day. How about first thing Monday morning?

How about you come in for a couple of hours tomorrowjust to handle all the paperwork and Ill figure out what office to put you in. That way, you can hit the ground running next week.

Deal, I reach out my hand.

He stands up and takes my hand, shaking it with delight. GreatIll see you tomorrow in personnel.

Ill see you tomorrow, I say before walking out the door.

Oh, Tina, he calls to me. Welcome back. Thats three today!



Here I am, once morein front of the houseour house. I dont know if I can go inside. I should just leave and ask Alice to come with me. I dont think I can handle running into Bette again. Its only two; she wont be home for quite a while. Do it Tinayouve already taken a big leap todaythis ones not so bad. Okay, Kennard you can do this. I reassure myself to no avail, but I know it has to be done. I open the car door and get out. Each step I take feels like Im walking in waterI cant move very quickly and the harder I push the harder it is to walk. Slow down Tinatake your timeits easier to walk slowly that fight against the water. I eventually make it to the front door after what seems like an eternity. I hold out my handthe key again poisedI unlock the door and enter. I walk to the kitchen firstif theres any mail Bette leaves it on the counter. I pick up the stack of letters and file through thembills mostly, I set them back down. Is she eating right? She never likes to eat healthy. I open the fridge to reveal a plethora of take out cartons. Opening a few random containers, I notice that these are all the dishes I usually order. Bette must still order food for melike its automatic. Is that what I became to her? Just another daily routine? That would explain why she ran to Candace. Bette needs stimulationshe needs a challenge. Dammit, Tina! Dont go down that road right now! Stop thinking about Betteworry about yourself for once. Youre just here to pick up a few things.

I make my way to the bedroomstill perfect. Has she even slept in here? Again, dont go down that road Tina. Now, wheres that suitcase? I find it in the bottom of the closet and lay it on the bed. Taking several of my old business suits out, I neatly lay them in the bag. I grab some other clothes from the drawers and close the suitcase, then take it to the front door. Is there anything else I need? Whats that? Why didnt I see that when I walked in? I approach the coffee table andfreeze. My heart drops, and my vision blurs. My pregnancy journalBette was looking through my pregnancy journal. I move to the couch and take a seatslowlyhesitantlyreaching for the notebook. Opening the book, I flip through the pages. Some of the ink is smeared. What could have done that? Its been wet. What could Bette have spilled on my journal?tears. I clutch it in my arms as I realize what was spilled. I lean down and bring my knees up, wrapping my armswith the bookaround my legs. Now lying on the couchI begin to cryslowly drifting off to sleep.

To Be Continued…