These last six months should have been our happiest ever.

We are drifting more apart, every day. It seems like we are not able to find a way to communicate. Actually, it’s partly my fault. I’ve been using Angelica – our daughter – as a shield. Every time she tries to talk about the issue, I quickly make an excuse to avoid talking to her. I even find it difficult to look at her in the eyes. This, once, was the easiest thing ever for me.

           We haven’t been intimate since the day of the sonogram. I’m not feeling attractive. I hate this ugly scar and these leaky nipples. We tried sex therapy; it made it even worse. Bette said she thinks I’m still punishing her for the affair. Maybe she’s right, even though I denied it. She let another woman touch her. How does she think that made me feel? The fact that she saw another woman’s body as she’s supposed to see mine makes me sick. I just feel uncomfortable in her presence. I don’t know what to think and do about it. In addition, there’s something new. The attraction to men that doesn’t seem to want to go away. Someone said it might be because of the hormones. Actually, I already figured out what it is.  

They are not Bette.

           I’m in the office, talking about our new project, with this new producer. His name is Josh and – it hurts to admit it – I’m completely attracted to him. We need to do more checks about the characters and all, and he seems so taken by this all thing, is endearing. She looks like Bette when she talks about her art. So passionate and… ‘God, am I really comparing the two of them?’ However, I just can’t help it. It’s as if I’m trying to find something better than her. I want to find someone better than her and I don’t know why. This makes me feel like an asshole but I can’t seem to get over the fact that she cheated on me. So why waste my time in this tiring dyke drama? I know I came back to her. I wanted to, I swear. I wanted to feel safe, again. Instead, I feel more afraid than ever. She looks smaller and weaker. She doesn’t transmit that sense of security she once gave to me. ‘Fuck, I sound like a hypocrite. Is this the only reason I came back?’