I cleaned the house and noticed that it was something I hadn’t done in a long time. I respected Tina, but I hadn’t realised what she did for me. She did her work and the housekeeping. Tears came to my eyes again; what if she never would do that again?

My life just seemed so very empty without her. The uncertainty was also killing me. I couldn’t sleep at night and eating didn’t go that well either.

Alice was hiding her hurt. She was trying to be cheerful, but I knew how she felt, how she must feel. Shane was trying to comfort us all, but the only one she was showing what was going on deep inside her, was me.

I could talk to Shane about how I felt and I knew I wasn’t being judged. We really were close that time, we didn’t hide anything for each other. She was a good friend before it happened, but then I knew she was a friend for life.

When I was allowed by Tina’s side, I very often would hold her hand and tell her how much she meant to me. I looked at her intensely, desperately hoping for a sign that she could hear me. I felt ridicolous afterwards.

“What did she do to deserve this, Shane?” I asked her when she had joined me in Tina’s hospital room. “What did she do?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about how unfair it all is. There are so many bastards out there, assholes who molestate children, who rape innocent women. And they become old and happy in their own, cruel way. Someone as good as Tina is supposed to live that long life, not them.”

I looked at her. “So you don’t think she’ll survive?” I asked, the horror audible in my voice.

Shane looked up, right into my eyes. “The doctors don’t give her much chance.”

“We have to keep on believing in it, Shane. We can’t give up on her.” A short silence fell. Then I whispered: “She wouldn’t give up either.”

“I know.”

The silence returned. Neither of us felt the need to say anything. Alice visited her a lot, too, but I always made sure I wasn’t there. Alice felt uneasy and she tried to hide that by talking all the time. I didn’t want to talk.