“She’s not dead yet, Shane, fucking hell! What are you thinking, talking like this? She isn’t dead, she’s alive and as long as she is you do not speak like that, not in front of me! Tina is strong and she has to survive. I just want her back.” I was crying towards the end.

“The doctors…” Shane didn’t finish her sentence and she didn’t have to. It was then and there, with Shane sitting in front of me, in the semidarkness, that it fully hit me. Tina was very likely to die. Because of me. Tina. Dead. My fault.

“Fuck the doctors, fuck the fucking doctors.”

“It’s hard for all of us. For Alice as well, she just has her own way of processing it all.”

“I know.”

“Look, Bette. I have to go now, I’m really sorry. I wish I could stay, but I have to get to Carmen.”

“Sure. I’m glad you found her, Shane.”

“Yeah, she’s a huge support.” She stood up and came to me, patted my shoulder. “You’ll get through it, I’m sure.”

I hugged Shane and let her out, promising I would see her tomorrow. I could only think of one thing: what if Tina didn’t make it to tomorrow?

What if this was the last day of her life? I wanted to be there when she died, I wanted to hold her in my arms, at least hold her hands. I didn’t want her to be alone in a hospital full of strangers. She wouldn’t want that.

But there was no way in hell I would ask for her to be brought home until the chance that she would survive was 0%.

I had to accept it. I had to accept she was going to die because of me. Her chances were shrinking by the hour. Because of me. Because I hadn’t called her.

I thought of Tiffani, who had had an accident as well. How Tina had blamed herself because the last thing she had said to her was “Don’t forget the milk.”

Was I supposed to be glad because at least I had had the chance to tell her I loved her? Because those were my last words? ‘I love you.’

It didn’t make a fucking change, those last words. I wanted to tell her a thousand times more, over and over again. I simply couldn’t live without her.

I felt like I was some huge cosmic joke. I had bought her primroses. Primroses meant ‘I can’t live without you.’ It was like everything I did backfired on me.

Ewan visited her a lot too. I didn’t talk much with him. I felt I had nothing to say. Tina’s life was getting less and less likely. It was as if she was slowly fading. And in one way or another, the doctors seemed to want to make clear to me that she would die and I had to accept it. But I would never, ever accept that fact. She had to survive.