Maybe they didn’t hear the beep. It’s quiet, but I can hear traffic noises. I should just pick it up.

And I was going to, but I heard an all too familiar sigh. Then dead air. It’s Grace wanting to say something, but deciding a last minute, when she knows I’d be listening to sigh instead. Such a drama queen. Well, I’ll be here when she’s ready and there had better be ***** tears. From her not me.

Ok dishes, maybe if I listen to the radio it’ll quiet those voices the ***** down. No thinking, just music. Oh God,  I love this song. Got to turn it up. I haven’t heard this in forever.

Anyone who’s ever had a heart
Wouldn’t turn around and break it
and anyone who’s ever played a part
Wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane Sweet, sweet Jane

I wonder what Bette’s doing. I hope I didn’t make a mistake. On top of Grace’s insanity, my mother’s guilt of leaving her all alone and my sister making me feel bad that I dumped mom on her and ‘ran’ away to California. I can’t take this. When did it get so hard. To just be happy and live the life you think you should live. This whole new life I’m creating is making me crazy. What should I do?

Anyone who’s ever had a dream
Anyone who’s ever played a part
Anyone who’s ever been lonely
and anyone who’s ever split apart
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane Sweet, sweet Jane

Maybe Bette can help me figure this out. She’s just as lost as I am right now. *****, Bette. I just don’t understand this feeling that I get when she’s near. It’s like she near and I can finally breathe. All this bullshit responsibility and owning up to everyone else’s mistakes disappeared when she took my hand. I thought she was an obnoxious *****, and I far as I know she still could be. But I’m free. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to lose myself in her. Let her take charge of all this. I need for someone to see that my life isn’t as rose colored as it appears to be. I get the feeling that she would understand. Maybe I should call her. Besides I did write her number on my on arm last night. Maybe I’ll just call to say good morning. It might be to early to go over there. Plus Eric’s over there.

Heavenly wine and roses
seem to whisper to me when you smile
Heavenly wine and roses
seem to whisper to me when you smile
Sweet Jane, sweet Jane Sweet, sweet Jane

Damn that phone is going to be bringing more bad news I bet. Well, might as well let the machine get that too.

“What in the world kind of machine message is that? Tina you know I raised you better than to go along with such gutter humor…. I don’t like it not one bit…..Tina, Tina….. Tina where are you. This is your mother…… Helloooooo? Christina Kennard where are you….. It’s already… what time is it?…. 1130 AM in California…. Tina I know you’re there…… I can wait…………………..Hello Tina…. Alright I just called to say Good Morning and call me as soon as you get this message, ok….. I love you. Bye……….Tina are you there?…… This isn’t fun-”

Oh thank God. I though that would never end. I should call her back. After all she did leave that well thought out message for me. Thank God it only records two minutes at a time.

Still though, I know what she called me for. She wants to know if Grace has tried anything since I’ve been here alone, trapped in her city. My family, fucked up and stuck in the 1950s as usual. Where lesbians are America’s dirty secret waiting to brainwash your daughters. How can I tell her that I hate it here with Grace. That Grace is making it impossible to be happy, if she just attacks like that. How can I tell my mother that I don’t know what I’m doing here, besides working. She wouldn’t possibly understand any of it.

What about Bette? My mother will string me up if she knew what I did. I hate when I disappoint my mother. No matter how unreasonable she’s being.. I won’t prove Micaela right when she said that LA will change me for the worse. I just don’t know which version of worse is actually worse. Theirs or mine.

*****, now I’m confused again. And with this confusion there’s tears. I just wish someone could help me through this. Anybody.

“Tina?”

TBC>>>>>