I had a wonderful weekend with Joshua, we went to the beach and had a picnic, we also watched a bunch of movies on Sunday. I wanted to try and spend as much time with him as I could before he started school on Monday and I began work on a new film. Life was getting hectic, nothing I couldn’t handle. But I wished I had someone there to lighten the load. You have Helena. I thought. It was an unsettling thought, she wasn’t meant for me. I loved her yes, but I was not in love with her. There is a difference.

Over the summer I had hired Angus Partridge to be Joshua’s nanny, or manny as he often joked. I had met him at Joshua’s summer camp, he was a counsler and musician. I mainly needed him to pick Joshua up from school and watch him until I got home. And he’d stay and watch the house and Josh while I was away on business. It was very unsettling, and nerve racking the first couple times I had to leave him. But Josh grew fond of him, and he always had a blast with Angus. Perhaps Angus was the father figure that Josh needed.

"Momma, why don’t you marry Angus?"

"What," I said, I had to laugh.

"Marry Angus, he’s nice and he likes you."

"Baby I know, but ugh, how should I say this," I said, making us some dinner, "Remember when I said that I would marry a lady?"

"Yes."

"I don’t want to marry a boy, they don’t make me happy anymore."

"I know momma, I was just saying. We went to the park one day and this girl I played with said she has two daddies."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I told her that one day I will have two mommies," he said proudly.

"One day," I said and smiled, "But for right now, it’s me and you kid."

As I went back to making dinner and Joshua went to the living room and watched his movie, my thoughts went to her. I had to find her, I had to confess my feelings and seek forgiveness. After I’m done with this film, I will find her. She deserves to know the truth, and I can’t go on living life without knowing if she feels the same.