Always.

    “Nah, that’s okay. You have things to do,
don’t you? And it’s going to be boring. Just art people coming together
to talk about an artist who’s long dead. Boring, right?”

    “I’m never bored when I’m with you.”

    “Uh… well, if you really want to go…”

    “Unless you don’t want me there? Bette, what’s going
on?” Tina suddenly remembered earlier that evening with a pang. In the
warm intimacy of just waking up, she’d forgotten the earlier
awkwardness. Now it washed over her like cold water.

    Something’s wrong.

    Bette also remembered what happened earlier and suddenly felt ashamed of herself. Guilt made her shift restlessly.

    “Nothing’s wrong…” Bette winced when she heard the
defensiveness in her tone. “Tina, can we just forget about it? Whatever
it is?”

    “What is it?” Tina tried to keep the rising panic from sending her bolting out the bed.

    Do something! Bette
noticed how Tina had tensed up. She wanted to reassure Tina but she
couldn’t find the words. She lay there, waiting for the other shoe to
drop. Here it comes.

    “Look Bette, if something’s bothering you
about me, please tell me.” Tina hated how plaintive she sounded. Tina
hated how talking to Bette about these things felt like prying open
clams.

    “It’s nothing. Nothing. I’m just… crazy… I don’t know what it is.”

    Tina frowned in confusion. “Do you even still want me around?”

    “I do! Of course I do!” Bette answered quickly. “I really do!”

    “It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself.
Look, I love you.” Tina started getting angry. “I always thought that
that was enough. Yet here we are, you’re telling me one minute that you
didn’t want to see me then the next pretending like you do.”

    “Pretending?! NO! I’m not pretending. Tina, I love you! Of course I want you…”

    “Then start acting like it!”

    Bette reeled back as though she was slapped. “ACT
like it? ACT like it?! That’s exactly what’s wrong! You want me to ACT
like I love you… Newsflash Tina: I don’t KNOW how anymore!! And you
want me to act… act?! Like it’s all a show?! Like it’s all fake?!
Like you used to do with all your past…”

    “PAST! Jesus Christ, Bette! Is that what this is all about?! After all this time and…”

    “NO!” Bette stared openmouthed as Tina scrambled out
of bed, pulling the sheets around her. It was as if Bette was watching
a derailed train heading towards a village of people. What’s happening?! What have I done?!  

     “I
know you have your issues. I know you have your emotional scarring and
other crap like that…” Tina said breathlessly. “But. I. Am here. With
you. Or I was. Now… now I guess it was my mistake thinking that you
wanted me around. I was wrong. You don’t want me. You want your misery.
You want your emotional scarring. You want your angst and your drama
and your… your… fucking end-of-the-world late-night brooding!”

    Bette wanted to jump up and protest. She wanted to
cry. She wanted to run to Tina and make everything alright.

    “Well you can have all those things, your most
treasured possessions, Bette. I hope they keep you warm at night.” Tina
stalked out of the bedroom.

    “Where are you going?” Bette asked meekly, terrified of what the answer might be.

    “The guest bedroom. I don’t feel like sleeping beside a blackhole of negativity tonight.”

     And tomorrow night? And the next? And forever?

    Bette watched and waited until Tina kicked
the bedroom door closed. She heard the guest bedroom door open and slam
closed. She lay back, exhausted. She noticed numbness creeping into her
limbs and chilling her heart. Well that didn’t take long.

    What if Tina realized how much of a loser I am and left me?
    What if Tina finally got fed up and left me?
    What if Tina left me?
    What would be left?
    Me?
    Blackhole of negativity.
    Me.

TBC