My head itches and my hand twitches…I know they said smoking would be a bad thing, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. My breath catches as I inhale the toxic smoke….am I the only one who finds it funny that smoking isn’t what is…wrong. Guess the sergeant general is wrong…smoking doesn’t always kill.

I have to stop thinking, I have to stop the voices…I have to do something. I wonder if they noticed that I’m not coming back. I’ll call them in a bit; let them forget me for tonight. Let them feel something other than fear, worry…something other than sadness. They don’t deserve it…and I don’t deserve them.

The screen of my phone blurs as I get into the car, this car. I bought it right before I met her…I took her out on our first date in it. It was my only date…I can remember being so nervous that I thought I would be sick. My heart was pounding painfully against my chest; I thought she would be able to hear it.

Is that what you’re hoping will happen again? She’ll forgive you for everything you’ve done and welcome you back if you say you love her? Is love enough to get her back? Is it enough to save you? Can you love?

The beeping like a bomb, it moves in time with my heart beat. Slow and steady with a little fuck up on the third beat. Another reminder of the voices in my head, another gift from them. It reminds me that I have a heart that it works in the anatomical sense. Did I just refer to my heart as a bomb? I must be more fucked up then I originally thought.

The streets are bleeding together and the voice on the phone a distant murmur. 201-387 ocean avenues…I play it over and over in my head. The voices they subside, fading away as I say it over and over…Carmen. I don’t know what I’m going to say. I don’t know what I’m going to do?

You took the words right out of my mouth there Shaney? Are you sure this is her? What would you do if it turned out to be like a 50 year old lady? Would you fuck her…like you’re planning on fucking Carmen?

I see her smile; I see her… she seem so close. I think of her lips, how soft they were how sharp her tongue could be. I think of her hands running along my back, through my hair. I think of how she would dance shaking her head to the music… I missed her. I use do anything to not think of her, I would snort, smoke, drink just about anything to forget her.

It would hurt to think of her, but right now she’s keeping me going. She’s helping me concentrate…on stopping these voices. The pain is still here but I can’t expect her to do everything. I just don’t know…I want to know when. I want to know why. I want to know how. I want to know if everything will be ok. I want to know that I wasn’t always a fuck up. I want to know that my life had some meaning in it. Even if it means that she hates me, even if it means they don’t forgive me…. Even if it means that I have to die to realise it. The only problem is that death brings way too many questions.

Are you starting to realise what’s happening Shane? Are you ready for what’s to come? Do you understand that this might be the last thing you will ever do?

WILL YOU FIGHT FOR ME? It builds from a whisper to a scream; it pierces every part of my body. And the lights flash, they dance in the dark. The numbers float in mid air, and they have a screaming match in my head. Her voice wins, she’ll always win…and she pulls me back into that world of quiet and peace. She holds my hand in hers, pulling me along, she walks backward confidently into the dark.