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We all need explanations: Part one of two
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When I first held Angelica in my arms, everything and I do mean everything became complete, whole, right. It was all so much more than the sum of the parts and I truly believed that she was signalling my . . . our future happiness.
You know, Tina, I had a missing part experience, a sense of the whole being more than the sum of the parts, but not with Angelica. Dont get me wrong, I love her to death and there is nothing I would not do for her, to love her to protect her to nurture her and to help shape her path through life. But . . .
Bettes lip trembled and her voice quivered.
You, Tina, have always been my missing part. You, and only you.
Tina fought the compulsion to grasp hold of Bettes hands, to clasp her tousled head to her bosom and force her trembling lips to receive a kiss of passion. Tinas heart was breaking all over again, but this was their pattern, their sequence, their rubric and their script of what they did to one another and to themselves, and so she fought.
Softly she spoke,
I know that Bette, I know that. I also know what it is to feel like that about you, but when you . . . when we stopped communicating and you were forced to seek solace elsewhere . . .
Bette tried to break in, but Tina raised her hand.
I have to make you understand, Bette. At that point, my instinct for self-preservation kicked in. I had to look after myself, when you had been looking after me for years. I had to save myself not from you but from the loss of you. Getting pregnant was my salvation.
Bette burst in,
But you used Marcus, our donor!
Tina smiled and shook her head,
Dont you see, I couldnt cut myself off, I couldnt deny what we had been. I couldnt ignore how I had arrived at that point in my life.
Bette looked puzzled. Tina smiled again. She had always loved those moments when her highly educated partners intellect failed to provide herself with satisfactory understanding and it always occurred at the times of most instinctive feeling when emotions were raw, elemental, dominant.
I could never and would never want to undo what we have been, Bette. Even more, I would never want to undo what we are because that is lifes journey. How we deal with who we are now will influence what we will become, alone or together.
Bettes puzzlement deepened. She had come to hear an explanation. In truth she had come for something final, for closure, for certainty, for a dependable outcome, but what she was hearing from Tina was causing her to become unbalanced, yet again, always this see-sawing, this contrary motion, this shifting sand. She slammed her hands over her ears to shut out the insecurity as hot tears streamed down her face.
Oh, God, Bette, no, no, I didnt come here to hurt you again.
Then what for, Tina, what did you come here for? Do you think I enjoy being humiliated? Do you think I relish every opportunity you give me to fall into confusion and self-doubt? Do you think I – can – ever – stop – loving you? Bette collapsed onto her arms on the plastic-topped table, in floods of tears. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed profoundly. Tina lightly held Bettes arm, silent until the sobbing subsided.
Eventually, Bette raised her head, eyes puffy, red-rimmed and blood-shot.
Im going to the bathroom. Its up to you whether you are here when I get back, or not.
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So happy to see you back! Look forward to reading your take on how Bette and Tina ended up where they are now and where they’ll end up.
I have missed your words, your story for these women, thank you for posting…pls give us more
Okay, you’ve got me, hook, line, and sinker. I don’t know why though. This hurts as if I never heard it before and that’s crazy. Ready for more. Thanks for the post.
Seeing your name as author always gravitates me to read. Your words are thick with emotion. Funny thing is, I don’t think IC and Co. think/create this deeply. We are left to fill in so many emotional blanks that anything can be true. Thanks for sharing your view. :-)
It’s so nice to have you back, with your logical, sensitive, beautifully written prose.
Damn, that was deep and painful, but also a bit of hope. Season 3 was painful, but luckily here in FF world we get to be happy sometimes. I hope that in your story that bit of hope turns more into reality. Post soon.
good to see you back amadeus. looking forward to part two – really only two?Ally – get back to the ice cream/writing
This is good and plesae post soon, can’t wait to see whats next, thanks!
Good to see you back Amadeus. Your depiction of all things refined – including B&T and their music and art and your writing – were sorely missed. I hope you and your artner had a lovely time away (congratulations!). I look forward to the second part of this and all future episodes of As Love is Deep. Specially the latter. Thanks for coming back with another lovely tale.
just 1 word… WOW!
I like it, can’t wait for the rest of the talk. So let Tina stay, i want to know how this ends.Post soon, please
OMG – That was truly excellent – i am very keen to read the next part and see if tina stays to deal with the mess that she has created. Hooray for the Brits.
I’m so glad you’re back Amadeus. This is one hell of chapter, I love your style, thanks for sharing.
I like it, I’m in. I want to know what both these women (and you) have to say, and where they’re going to end up. Please post soon.
That is one awesome chapter, just let Bette listen,and understand. Thanks
Amadeus…You have been missed. I love your new insights as to what events and feelings broke them apart. With all the fanfic out there, I’ve never read Tina’s explanation for getting pregnant. What she was trying to accomplish w/her pregnancy. I think what is very telling is Tina’s comment that Angelica made her feel complete, whole…while for Bette, Angelica is the light of her life but Tina makes her feel complete. Two very disparate views of life. I can now see why Tina would take up w/Henry (any man). He (a man) completes that traditional picture for her. Bette didn’t need Angelica to feel complete as long as she had Tina. Too bad they didn’t express their feelings vis-a-vis this topic before Tina became pregnant. I look forward to the next chapter. I am a huge TiBetter (actually more of a Better) and feel apprehensive about the ensuing chapter.
Thank you for coming back with a wonderful story – can’t wait for Pt.2. September seems such a long way off – so it’s good to have these great stories in the meantime.