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Bette – I can’t handle this …
She closes her eyes and sighs, not knowing how she is going to be able to fall asleep.
Alice’s bedroom, late night: Alice is in bed eating popcorn and watching “Desert Hearts” on her VCR when the phone rings, just as the two characters are having sex.
Alice – Fuck!
She pauses the tape and answers the phone frustrated.
Alice – Yep?!
Bette is in bed looking upset.
Bette – What are you doing?
Alice – Watching “Desert Hearts” and you just interrupted the sex scene!
The brunette rolls her eyes.
Bette – Haven’t you watched this movie a hundred times before?!
Alice – I can watch it a hundred and one times …
Bette – Huh!
Alice – What’s up? You sound frustrated.
Bette – Tina just called me.
Alice – Ahh … now I understand your frustration …
Alice – What was the friendly topic? Naked oil massages?
Bette – Not funny! We talked about you today!
Alice – Huh! I know I’m sexy but … how did I get you so frustrated?
The brunette purses her lips in annoyance.
Bette – She was being inappropriate and mentioned that you are too!
Alice – Inappropriate is my middle name, but how so?
The brunette squints annoyed.
Bette – Did you actually discuss my sexual preferences with her?!
The blonde raises her eyebrows.
Alice – Uh … enlighten me! What exactly did we discuss?
Bette – How good I am in bed?!
Alice smiles mischievously.
Alice – Ahh … and I bet she told you that you are the best sex she ever had!
Bette sighs upset, her voice rising.
Bette – So, you did talk about me! It’s so fucking inappropriate that the two of you gossiped about me like that!
The blonde laughs.
Alice – Nope … we never gossiped about you like that! She is using me as an excuse to talk dirty to you, silly!
Bette bites her lower lip.
Alice – I have two words for you: phone sex!
The brunette pouts.
Bette – She’s dating Helena Peabody … and wants to have phone sex with me?!
Alice – She is?! Oh wow … I can’t believe it! (pause) I told you Helena was not wasting time!
Bette – She pounced like a fucking predator!
Alice raises an eyebrow.
Alice – Don’t worry … clearly Tina is just playing the field a little until she is able to see you again. Trust me, she still wants you bad and will soon be all yours!
Bette – Playing the field?!
Alice – Well, you know …phone sex with you … real dates with Helena … It’s not a bad thing in my book! Who wants to have sex with just one woman her whole life … right?
Bette – Are you fucking kidding me?! I feel like I’m in the twilight zone!
Alice – Relax! Didn’t you just ignore her for two weeks? She is giving you another chance! Enjoy the ride!
Bette – I’m not going to enjoy any fucking ride!
Alice – Why?! Friends with benefits was your middle name until recently. You can do it again!
Bette – You don’t get it, Al! I can’t share her! Not her! It’s too fucking painful!
She presses her hand to her forehead.
Bette – And with Helena fucking Peabody?! You can just kill me right now!
Alice – Oy vey!
Alice rolls her eyes.
Alice – Your past came back to haunt you!
Bette sighs with a pout.