The ironic thing is that regardless of how much pain and heartbreak love brings…we never stop searching for it! Why are we all so addicted to love? Why do we all feel that we need it? If I stood on my chair and announced to the whole damned bar that love will only fuck your life up, no one would listen. They’d all still come here tomorrow night and continue searching.

I remember when I used to be one of them.

However, my whole ‘giving up on love’ thing has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t believe I could ever possibly fall in love with anyone else…it’s just that I don’t want to! I feel that if I allow myself to have feelings for anyone else I’ll betray Dana and I’d never be able to forgive myself if I did that. Plus I can honestly say that if my heart was broken one more time I wouldn’t survive. I need to shut myself off from real emotion…I need to protect my now fragile heart.

I watch as Bette orders another round of shots. This time five tequilla shots are lined up on the bar and I know that one of them is headed my way. Why does alcohol always appear to hold the answer to everything? Whenever we’re depressed…whenever we’ve got a lot on our mind, we go to the nearest bar and we drink! Why do we believe that getting totally inebriated and making a complete ass of ourselves makes any of our problems any less fucking serious? I mean sure you forget how shit your life is for a few hours, but as soon as you wake up the next morning, everthing you so desperately tried to escape the night before is still there…only now it’s accompanied by the hangover from Hell. So after all the drunken embarassment you eventually put yourself through…and all the money you waste getting yourself into such a degrading state, what do you actually achieve?

Nothing!

Over the last few months I’ve often wondered why my friends seem so uneffected by our suddenly shitty lives. To me it doesn’t feel right to be here without Dana. It doesn’t feel right to dance to music that Carmen isn’t spinning and it doesn’t feel right to be out with the gang without Tina. You wouldn’t believe it but the loss of those three people has totally changed our group dynamic and unlike my friends, I’ve found that I don’t want to have fun anymore. I know the main reason for that is because I haven’t accepted losing Dana yet and I understand that nothing can ever stay the same, but we were a family and now we’ve been torn apart!