“That’s terrible.”

“My father would clean it up and tell Kit and me not to let anyone get the best of us, to stay strong, and show that we could take the higher ground.  My mom complained, shouted, made demands. She didn’t like it, but she had lost her fight, at least her fight outside of our home.”

“So you saw your father be strong for you and show his love by trying to give you everything, protecting and defending you?”

“Yes.”

“Bette, as an adult how has your father shown his love?”

Bette’s brow furrowed as she thought.  Suzanne, as was her way, was patient and didn’t coax or encourage an answer.  Finally, Bette said, “He tells me that he’s proud of me.”

“What is he proud of?”

“My success, my career.”

“Anything else?”

“No, nothing,” Bette hadn’t needed to consider the question.  It wasn’t a surprise, but saying it aloud seemed to deepen the wound.

“So, is he your hero for what he did when you and your sister were children?”

“Yes.”

“And if he hadn’t been that kind of father to you, what would your relationship be now?”

“I doubt we’d have one.  I watched Daddy get cursed out, spit on twice, deal with remarks about my mother and us, and he just let it wash off of him.  I know it must have been hard.  And, I empathize with that.  I like showing him that he’s special to me because I saw so many treat him like he was dirt.”

“So you’re trying to somehow make up for past mistreatments to your father.  Do you think that being permissive as he demeaned you, Tina, and the relationship you two had built as a couple in some way evens the score?”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I suppose that’s true.  I guess that’s what I thought.  I didn’t want to add more anguish and grief to a heart that had been through so much already.”

“How does that feel?”

“Ridiculous.  Daddy is driven, demanding, forceful, and headstrong.  My father knows how to get things done and doesn’t have the time or inclination for interpersonal relationships.  I’m sure he sees what happened when I was a child as the acts of ignorant and angry people.  The way he has treated me now, he sees that as offering pragmatic advice and personal condemnation against what he deems unacceptable.  He thinks he has the right.”  Bette paused, thought about her feelings for her father, and said, “Kit is right.  He’s judgmental; he likes to have his way.  He likes to be in charge.”