Chapter 3 – On Her Own

Six months later ………….

Bette is at her canvas working. She has been on her own for a month and a half. After four and a half months of intense therapy she was feeling better about herself. Thinking she needed to start getting her life together, she checked herself out of the half way house.

Each day brought its own struggles but overall the struggles just seemed more manageable now. Bette felt a sense that she was centered somehow. That there were no expectations on her and thus she was free from organizing, dressing up, managing or even commenting on anything. Her isolation has given her a freedom from her own expectation and drives. At this moment all I have to do is get through today. And that was all the pressure she wanted right now.

”Just live for today.”

It’s hard to believe how broken Bette had become. It’s amazing to realize that “It’s not all about me.” I can be right and not have to scream it from the tree tops. I actually can do a good deed and not put a sign on it proclaiming for the entire world my generosity. The simpleness of a single good will gesture, given anonymously was more in line with Bette’s image of herself today.

Bette definitely was on the road back and the black shadows of what Bette refers to “her insanity” seem in the past. Bette feels better about her self and now better understands why what happened took place. Well most of it, she actually can’t remember taking the pills probably due to the amount of tequila she had consumed but doubts very much if she wasn’t thinking up some plan at the time. She always had a plan because if you have a plan you don’t fail but if you fail to plan you loose. Well anyway that is sort of how her thinking went.

But knowing why it happened doesn’t mean you can forgive yourself. Forgiveness is a whole other species and Bette still had that hurdle to cross but she works on it daily and with the continued weekly sessions Bette feels hope. One thing was certain, Bette believed in her heart that Tina is better off with out her. If Bette was out of Tina’s life, she could no longer inflict the cruel and harsh mindless punishment she seemed to always dish out to Tina.