Harmless fun had slipped quietly from the wings, and had now, took centre stage, to everything else that mattered in my life. 

I would wake up in the morning and it was there. It was in my head no matter what time of the day it was or what day of the week.

There was a point when both my head and my heart was on the same wave length, where they would tell me, youve got to stop this. Youre in trouble here, this is happening far to regularly. But theres a strange little mantra that your brain seems to have learnt and that small voice coming from your heart, becomes muffled and distorted, until eventually you can no longer hear it at all its disappeared completely. All you can hear Is that little prayer repeating, Just one more time, just one more time. Just do it one more time. 

You can have all the excuses in the world for not doing what your doing, but its too late you already bought in to the contract, and its none redeemable.

The desire to experience that rush just one more time has physically been replaced with a need so strong that it has embedded itself so deep that you have to feed it and feed it time and time again. You can no longer have the best of both worlds when drugs were just for fun, to help you relax and make partying that bit more of an high, youre an addict and the need is relentless and it is unforgiving and it will only let up when you satisfy it.

I have only two feelings that run through my body, and both of them are on the opposite ends of the scale. One is the feeling of getting high and the other is the craving. There is nothing in between. 

To say I once had a choice of what I put in my body is now no longer true or relevant, whatever I can lay my hands on is all that matters, I dont give a ***** what it is.

I should have known from the start it was a bad move, in fact I did know. I knew it right here in my heart, but I didnt listen. I let my head rule my heart, and thats always a bad thing, right?