Previously…
 
A hopeful note echoed in her thought as she ventured further, “You could try.”
 
Rubbing her good arm affectionately in appreciation of her sentiments I responded softly, without passion,  “I just don’t know Dana.”

—

Our intimate poker night became even more so with Dana’s departure.  She in fact really wanted to be rested for her run with Tina and training session tomorrow.  As her movements were hampered, pool and lower body exercises were the prescription for the weekend with her coach. 
 
Her insightful prodding had stirred my views and her absence meant further unfolding in Shane’s presence. ‘I don’t know.’  Just how many times have I said that I wonder?  Do I really not know or am I just scared to say out loud that I think it will never happen for me again?  Falling in love I mean.  Really in love…deeply…as I had been.  I’m certain it was real.  I know it. 

I begged for it to be permanent, even if it revealed itself transient – victim to my own hand.

Admittedly doubts surfaced about our relationship voiced only in my head during group therapy.  Doubts that didn’t linger as they were subsequently and definitively extinguished.  Relinquished given the trust I held in my true feelings.  Well at least until that afternoon that prompted the decision to initiate the lawyer’s services and the weeks leading up to it.

Shane and I had agreed to contain our poker night to a few more hands.  It was getting late and tomorrow was a busy day for us both.  She had a temporary contract for a new made for television movie that had come into town.  I, on the other hand, had committed to reviewing some proposals for the gallery and in the afternoon, had an appointment resulting from a referral for an individual buyer interested in my services.  My milestones were somewhat delayed but still on track for this endeavor. 
 
I could take action soon as mentally, emotionally and financially a readiness was approaching. Forcing a final sip from my near empty bottle of sparkling water, I evaluated the hand I’d been dealt.  Being the last one for the night, the ante was significantly higher to start us off.  My cards weren’t bad – which is to say my hand was fairly strong. 

One card short of a full house, my two pairs would have to suffice.  Betting generously while spying Shane’s movements, it seems evident she has a strong hand as well.  She usually looked down and started fiddling with her chips throughout play when she had a decent chance of winning the pot.  She’d done exactly that upon glancing at her cards.  
 
Nonetheless, I was confident in my chances for challenging her but it failed to excite me as the long day took its toll, feeling weariness ooze and permeate through me.  Prime occasion for someone to prod into my thoughts further.  Shane obliged although she may have been stimulated with the intent to distract me from attempting a final blow to her pile of chips, harvesting it for my own victory.  Triggered by the inference to my last declaration to Dana, she proceeded with her attack.
 
“So,” Shane started, “you don’t know huh?  What exactly is that supposed to mean?”
 
Re-raising, I notice the pot was increasing steadily.  Placing my wager between us, I realize that at least upon opening up, the thoughts wouldn’t be held captive in my head anymore, taunting me during my everyday. 
 
“I think,” shutting my eyes I recanted, “I know she deserves someone better than me.  We’ve taken a step in the right direction at least formalizing the separation of assets.  Granted aside from accepting the initial payout and getting her own apartment the rest is still in limbo.  But still, it’s progress.”
 
My hand didn’t improve after the draw but stakes were doubled.  I was still betting confidently, driving up the pot.  As was Shane – confirming my earlier assessment of the strength of her prospects.  Neither her actions nor my weariness were going to inhibit my determined daring to win the final hand.
 
Shane responded, “Ok, whatever…but progress toward what?  What exactly are you doing?”
 
My measured response came, “Can you believe this Shane?  I’m actually going to quote the sentimental garbage spouted by those ‘losers’.  You know, the ‘if you love someone let them go’ *****.”