The agitation I felt toward the entire conversation didn’t dim my skills at reading her behavior when playing poker.  The fiddling with chips hadn’t recurred after the initial assessment of her cards although the wagering continued.  That meant one thing…a con. 
 
It confirmed the bluff she was playing, taunting and deceiving me into conceding perhaps. I was sure of her ploy and urged the pool to grow while the interrogation persisted.  Her confident additions to the pot were stimulated purely by a sham and sheer bravado.
 
In the meantime, I addressed her question.  “She’ll find someone else to love her like she deserves.  Definitely without the weight of our past.  Someone not as…challenging as I am.  Maybe she already has.”  That should elicit some pity.  At this point I wasn’t ashamed to utilize such a cowardly maneuver.  Hopefully it would be enough to cease the sensitive discussion.  It failed.
 
“Yes but can anyone love her as much as you do?” The insistence in her tone for quite evident. 

The earlier reticence surfaced once more as I dejectedly shrugged my shoulders in answer.  I’d lost enough tonight.  In terms of both energy and painful admissions.  Consequently, I was eager to win.
 
Revealing cards after we’d both issued a call for betting to stop, a smile touched my lips confirming my deduction.  After the inquisition tonight first by Dana then by Shane, I finally felt I had the upper hand.  Rubbing it in felt right. 
 
With a self-satisfied grin, I chuckled stating the obvious.  “I called your bluff.” 
 
“Yeah, yeah.” Shane said mockingly,  “Take your winnings, your chips and imaginary riches.”  Continuing on a more somber tone, “Just remember, I could do the same.”
 
My head tilted questioningly, “What do you mean?”
 
Looking me straight in the eye her chin raised slightly in defiance, “Call your bluff,” she said.
 
“My bluff?” I returned a little confused. “Hey you just lost that hand in case you need to be reminded.  You don’t have to be sore about it.” The act of collecting my chips uninterrupted while a smug and silly smirk adorned my face.
 
“Mm..hhmm…your bluff.  The whole explanation with Dana earlier, the ten times you’ve said in fifty different ways that you’re not sure and don’t know.  She should be with someone else. You’re not right for her.  There’s no hope, maybe it’s dead.”  Shane persisted, “your bluff.”
 
My grin had vanished and smug countenance had dissipated.
 
Pointedly crossing her arms in front of her and leaning in slightly, she pursued her line of reasoning.
 
“Go ahead” she dared, “say it again however you please.  Let me recap if you need help.”  Pausing after each statement for full effect, she voiced what I had shared earlier.

“That you don’t know.  That you’re not meant to be together.   That she deserves better. That you won’t admit to still loving her with an ache so powerful it overcomes your confidence and essence.  That the idea of you two together is finished.  That she could be loved more by someone else.  That with each breath you don’t wish her back, hoping for a second chance.  That you don’t think you could be a better person for her in spite of the affair.”
 
Quietly, she reissued the challenge. “Who’s bluffing now?”
 
“Deceive yourself into thinking that if you say it enough you’ll believe it.  Go ahead, I’ll even offer up your perennial favorites again – that you don’t know or she should be with someone else.  You’ve been saying that repeatedly and certainly long enough.”  Pausing, she made sure I heard her instruction.
 
“Pick one and say it.” Almost cautiously she continued, “Now.  It’s just you and me here after all.” 
 
Shane’s pensive yet affectionate glare rooted me in place. “Tell me, does saying transition to believing?”
 
Needless to say, only silence stretched between us.  The unaffected and insensate part of my mind urged me to concede and say the words but a more powerful force held steadfast. 

If I didn’t need her touch, if I didn’t know, why do I long to feel her arms embracing me still?

Even with hope slipping each day and no sign proffered from her to dispute these thoughts, the words that so easily flowed before stuck in my throat amidst my recently unmasked bluff. 

My stubborn heart wasn’t ready to believe. 

Even with a victorious final hand and a mountain of chips on my end of the table, tonight I didn’t win.