I sit alone staring out of the planets window. The sky is dull and grey and I wonder how in the space of a few months my life could become so messed up. You see all of my life I have been good at everything, in fact I’ve always been the best at everything. Top of my class all through school, the best athlete and champion tennis player. I’ve spent my life being congratulated and looked up to, not that I’m bragging its just how its been. But as they say, you cant be the best at everything, everyone has their flaws. My flaw, my major flaw comes when dealing with affairs of the heart. I used to think it was inexperience preventing me from having a committed and long lasting relationship, but as I sit here I’m not so sure. I wonder do I do it myself, am I so emotionally inept that I cant hold down one single relationship. You see, I fell in love with the most amazing woman I have ever met and in thinking I was doing the right thing, I let her go. I fell in love with Alice, my best friend, the person I would trust with my life. I have never felt a love like that before, a love were just the thought of that person makes your heart beat so fast. Just one touch would send a shiver through my body, every thought and every action of every day was full of her. I cant even say things started to change when Alice’s insecurities began, because it was before that, I know it was. It was when I realised life was perfect, that I had everything I ever wanted or needed. Maybe I couldn’t handle the feelings going on inside me, so I hit the little “self destruct” button in my head. I deliberately flirted with Lara in front of Alice, knowing damn well what it would be doing to her. Alice was my best friend, I knew her inside out and with her past history with Gabby I knew exactly what that would do to her. I mean time and time again, I sat with Alice crying on my shoulder. She would tell me how Gabby would start the night off with her and end it with someone else. How she would constantly use her and flirt mercilessly with other people right in front of her. The funny thing is, it used to make me so angry at how someone could do that to someone as nice as Alice. I would tell her over and over she deserved more, that Gabby wasn’t good enough. Ironically I’ve ended up just like the person I hated most in this world. In fact I’m worse than Gabby because I waited for Alice’s insecurities to creep through and then I put the blame on her. It was easier to blame Alice’s insecurities, the clinginess, than to admit to myself I was truly the one to blame. I intentionally flirted with Lara to get a reaction from Alice. It was unfair on Alice and it was unfair on Lara. So now I am sat here alone and confused with no where to turn. I run through the break up in my head and the stab of guilt gets me every time. I don’t wish it away as it’s a reminder, a reminder of the hurt I have caused, the guilty feeling is the least I deserve. I can clearly see the hurt and pain in Alice’s face as I told her I needed a break from us. The tears started to stream from her face, she asked over and over what she had done, why I needed to leave. In an unforgivable moment I told her it was all her fault. That I couldn’t take the clinginess, the insecurities and her constant need to be with me. I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth I shouldn’t have said it, but it was too late the damage was done. I wanted her to shout at me, to scream, take out her anger on me but what I got was worse. I got a deafening silence as her legs give way and she fell to the floor. I put my hand out to comfort her and she shrugged me away, not that I can blame her for that. I have never felt so lost and helpless as I sat listening to her soft sobs echoing in the room. It was in that moment I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life, but it was too late. I had come too far, caused too much hurt to turn back. So I began seeing Lara, almost hoping for there to be some feelings there, something to take away the emptiness and pain. For a while it worked because I do love Lara, I’m just not in love with her. I tried telling myself it would be enough, but it wasn’t. I needed, need what only Alice can give me. I know my heart will only ever completely belong to Alice, she holds it in her hands and forever will. Its knowing that there is one person out there you are destined to be with. When I think of my future I think of me and Alice, when I look to my past I see me and Alice. I only wish that when I look to my present I see me and Alice, but I don’t. I have no one to blame for that but myself, my own stupid self. Alice is my destiny and I screwed that up because of the fear I hold inside me. Maybe I fear the feelings a true and unconditional love brings, who knows. As I sit here what I do know is, I am going to go and break another heart. I have to tell Lara the truth, I don’t expect her to understand or forgive me, but I have to tell her. As for Alice, I don’t know what to do. I want and need her back in my life, she is the love of my life. I want her to be able to forgive me, for us to try again, but then I think I’m asking too much. What I cant get out of my head is the fact that I know, she knows we are meant to be together. Do we just ignore that fact, can we? I don’t want to look back on my life and regret never asking for that second chance to prove to her how much I love her. A life full of regret and wondering is not a life, its an existence. I want to live my life and I want to live it with Alice by my side. I know it may take a while, but I am not going to give up on us and what we share together. I would spend my life waiting, fighting for Alice. When you realise you’ve found true love, you should grab onto it and hold it tight and that is what I intend to do.