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    What Exactly is Autonomy? Chapter 4

    Story written on May 24, 2006 by Seahurst.
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    Number of Comments: 38
    Words: 2112
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=61024
    Author Notes:

    …it’s about finding forgiveness…searching for redemption.”

    "Hey"

    "Tina," Bette responded into the phone, as she unconsciously clenched and unclenched her jaw, trying to keep under control all the emotions that one simple three letter word evoked. She hated that it still sounded so loving, and comforting, and sexy all at the same time…hated that her heart and body still automatically reacted to that one fucking little word.

    "How are you?" Tina asked tentatively.

    "Are you asking specifically, or in an overall general sense?" Bette returned sarcastically.

    "I’m sorry…I don’t mean to upset you."

    "Ah…upset….such a generic word for so many specific emotions. With just that one word you lump all the other emotions together, thereby negating so much of their individual power….anger, heartache, humiliation, betrayal, frustration, and plain old pain…all reduced to just one little five letter word….upset."

    Bette took a deep breath, knowing she needed to calm herself, otherwise this would be a most unpleasant conversation. "Sorry," she mumbled.

    "No," Tina choked out the word through her growing tears. "You have every right."

    "No Tina, I don’t." Quiet and remorseful, she softly continued into the phone. " I can’t accuse you of being meanspirited, and blatantly hurtful, and then turn around and purposefully try to inflict the same kind of damage myself."

    Silence.

    "How about if we start again, and you tell me why you are calling."

    "I…I can’t do this anymore."

    "Tina…is everything okay with Angelica?" All of a sudden Bette’s thoughts went out to their daughter.

    "No…I mean, yes, she is fine. That’s not what I meant." Tina silently appreciating Bette’s constant concern for Angelica.

    "Okay," Bette hesitated. "So, what can’t you do?"

    "This…this kind of conversation. Not with you…not you,"she repeated in a whisper. "Not any more."

    Bette stood there, not able to say anything, all her energy focused on not breaking down within earshot of Tina. She too was tired of this verbal jousting. Tired of constantly having her mental and emotional guard up around Tina.

    "Bette?"

    "What?" Bette responded, wishing she could come up with a good excuse to hang up.

    "I need to talk…I need to talk some things through…and I need to do that with my best friend."

    Bette felt her heart ease a little, but at the same time, all the pain that her "best friend" had inflicted on her in the past eight months stopped her from feeling anything but anger and mistrust, and she immediately forget what she had just said about not wanting to inflict her own form of damage.

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    Comments

    1. I like the writing, but I still don’t like S3 Tina. Let her figure out her shit with a therapist, not with the “best friend” she so callously and maliciously wrung through the wringer. Please do not let Bette get sucked back into Tina’s self-involved, always the victim passivity. Bette deserves happiness. Can’t someone on this site give her that (away from Tina)? You know, Sea, whatever you write, I’ll read, even if I don’t like where the story’s heading. I’m fearful this is going to be one of those times … :(

    2. Well, I still feel like I can’t forgive Tina. Tina was talking about what is good to herself all the time. Is it out of love or loneliness? I can’t tell.

    3. I attempted to present you with a beautifull comment, words that would make clear to you how much I enloy reading your marvelous stories, your intense writingstyle… I wish there were words… Thanks

    5. Is there anything you write that is not da bomb? I’m totally loving this so far, but there is that part about Tina not having anywhere else to go but Bette’s that I’m not sure I fully understood.. Does Tina want to go HOME and that is where Bette is or just she needs a place to stay at? Anyway, I can’t wait to see what’s coming next.. It’s funny that so many people were angry with Tina during S3 and yet she was the most talked about character in the episode discussions.. IC struck a cord with this character, if only she gave us her POV..

    8. That was one tough phone call…not just for Bette but for Tina as well…I think. And more tough conversation to come. I too will read whatever you have to offer. Thanks, Sea.

    9. Hey! You took off the rating thing and now I can’t leave my ONE star! No fair! Anyway, just kidding Seahurst! Don’t ”shhhh” me! I don’t know where you’re going with this, but I will follow you to the ends of fanfic earth. It’s escalating and I’m really curious to see what’s going to happen when they meet in your next chapter. An interesting read as always and enjoying your story.

    12. My heart is leaping in the air with joy. There is still this massive gulf between these two but at least now the row boats are moving towards one another. As best friends they maybe are able to come to some understanding and then one day take that friendship one step further. Thank you for the chapter and story.

    14. I love your stories and never comment.Decided that’s just plain wrong.If the point of relationships is to midwife our imperfections to resolution together then you have accomplished this again and again. You have a unique voice with your words and I love reading them. Best..Sue

    15. Alright, giving Tina the benefit of the doubt, but if she screws up this time, theirs no forgiving. She’s been enlightend,realizes she not only lost her partner but her best friend. Well its about time. I know we can count on you for a great story, and hopefully it will all work out. One baby step at a time.

    19. yup that’s the one, your soulmate/your lover is your best firnd in my experience and when you’ve finished carving each other up with your hurts and fears only you 2 can put you (individually) back 2gether again, cuz only you 2 know the damage and love enuff to fix it…but you gotta be willing, Bette was after Candy/seems like Tina wasn’t cuz her internalised het world told her not to !!!!!!way to go…love this story..

    20. i’m so glad that you’re tibetter because the situation with tina in season 3 seems so hopeless with Ilene breaking them up…that’s why i’m only writing B&T beginnings because if i would write about B&T after s3, they would get together as fast as you can say Indiana Jones (Notting Hill reference)…thanks

    24. After leaving Henry’s, she really didn’t have any place to go other than back to her home with Bette……………..So how much of this “talk” Tina wants to have is sincere or just doing what she needs to do to because without Bette, she’s literally homeless? She can always crash again on Alice’s sofa! I hate feelings as though Bette is somehow getting the short end of the stick. Once again, Tina manipulates Bette because she has an ulterior motive…………..but she felt Bette deserved to have the opportunity to invite her first, and not just show up unannounced, proclaiming “I’m back!!”……….After all Tina has put Bette’s heart through, Tina still thinks that Bette’s love for her is so profound that she (Tina) can walk on her heart, out her life, and return because the grass was NOT greener on the other side.

    25. Well, this is a great scenario. I want to read more….it helps soothe the pain of the oh so weird third season!Thanks Seahurst for another great story of redemption and hopefully forgiveness!

    26. I can’t think of anything original to say except, “Uh, yay?” because I really don’t know if dinner will go well. It could end up looking like a warzone. Being involved with someone that long makes it hurt even more when you demote your relationship to friendship status. “Best friend” is nearly a fatal blow to the head. Wow I think I need to sleep or something. I’m not sure this comment made sense at all.

    28. I enjoyed this. I think Bette’s responses are very true to her character as we’ve come to know it. Tina needs to go into this with low expectations, afterall, Bette is not an objective listener!Looking forward to the next chapter, as always.

    30. This must be so hard on both of them, To tell someone you needed you best friend,and them almost turning you down. Tina needs a friend right now. Not lovers but a friends. thanks

    31. i’m liking it and i’m thinking of where your trying to take it, i see the friendship, but not quiet sure if that will work. After i read this, i had a picture of them out of the pilot where there sitting on the front steps and bette is holding tina’s hand and she kisses it and that look of love in their eyes, that’s where i want you to take this story cause i know that your more than capabile to do that, oh shit i’m not sure where i was going, but if i remember i will let you know. Thank you sea

    32. Seahurst…Your writing is da bomb. You just have a magnificent way with words and phrasing. You never sound preachy but can analyze B & T’s motivations and present them in such a way that is coherent and totally believable. What a talent!

    34. This is very interesting – Tina has an epiphany and finally wants to start talking about her fears that caused her to flee her gay life. If I were Bette it would be hard to forgive but Bette does need to learn to listen so maybe there is growth for both in the cards. Sea you are amazing and your reactions to Tina’s move to men has been similiar to mine so I’m glad to see you take this on. Thanks so much for writing and sharing it with us.

    35. It’s hard to be a friend to an ex-lover and an advisor about your lost relationship at the same time. I trust you will lead them through this morass with your usual grace and aplomb. Thanks!

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