‘Wow,’ Carmen gasped when the door opened and she saw Shane standing in the doorway, casually leaning against the doorpost with her arms folded, ‘you look extremely fuckable.’
A small smile spread across Shane’s lips and she pulled Carmen close, grabbing a hold of her ass. ‘You look pretty hot yourself.’
Shane leaned in to kiss her, and Carmen moaned softly when Shane slid her tongue slowly into her mouth. When Shane pulled away Carmen still had her eyes closed. When she opened them Shane was staring at her with a goofy smile.
‘Seriously though, you look amazing,’ Carmen said, admirably smoothing her hands over Shane’s arms. Shane was wearing a black blazer and ripped jeans, with a white button-down shirt. A black tie dangled loosely around her neck, still untied. ‘What is this for? Are you going somewhere?’
‘Yeah..,’ Shane said, clearing her throat, ‘actually I am.’ Shane didn’t elaborate, and for once Carmen wasn’t in the mood to ask further questions, which caused a silent moment to settle between them. Tearing her eyes away from Carmen’s face Shane broke the silence, ‘Come in, make yourself comfortable,’ she said and she gestured to Jenny who was sitting on their couch in the living room.
‘Oh sure,’ Carmen nodded, following Shane inside.
‘I’ll be right back.’
Trying to lighten the mood Carmen said, ‘I’ll just make out with Jenny while you’re gone!’
‘Ha-ha,’ Shane said flatly, but her eyes were twinkling with amusement.
As Shane disappeared down the hallway, Carmen plopped down next to Jenny on the couch. Jenny looked up from her book, a surprised smile forming her lips, as if she just noticed Carmen’s presence.
‘Hey lady,’ Carmen said smiling, leaning in to kiss Jenny’s cheek.
‘Hey!,’ Jenny said, closing her book and leaning over to put it on the coffee table, ‘Is it me or did I just hear something about making out with Jenny?’
‘Oh, it’s just you,’ Carmen giggled. Jenny shrieked in mock offence and playfully punched Carmen’s shoulder. Carmen rubbed the spot with her hand, wincing dramatically.
‘You deserved it,’ Jenny said, smiling triumphantly as she settled back into the couch and drew her knees up underneath her.
‘Do you know where Shane’s going?’ Carmen asked. Better to ask upfront Jenny, than mysterious Shane, Carmen thought.
‘You don’t know?’ Jenny asked, hugging her knees.
‘No… I don’t know. What’s going on?’ Carmen asked suspiciously. She felt the same uncomfortable, sinking feeling that had been there this entire morning, grow inside her stomach. Today was going to be a bad day.
‘Her brother contacted her.’
‘What? Really?’ Carmen eyes quickly darted from Jenny’s blue eyes to the hallway. Shane was still busy.
‘Yes. Her half-brother. He sent her a letter. She’s been acting distant since,’ Jenny said, tugging at the hem of her skirt. ‘I think she’s meeting him today. But I’m not sure.. Something seems off.’ She looked up at Carmen, to find disappointment and concern in her coffee brown eyes. ‘I’m sure she was planning on telling you,’ Jenny quickly added in a weak attempt to reassure her.
Carmen sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, biting on it before releasing it to let out a deep sigh. ‘I.. I don’t know Jen. I haven’t heard from her in two days.’
‘Well at least now you know the reason why. She just had a lot of things on her mind.’
‘Yeah..,’ Carmen said softly, ‘I guess so.’
‘Maybe Shane just needed some time on her own.’
‘Shane always needs time,’ Carmen sighed, shaking her head.
Jenny smiled sympathically, rubbing Carmen’s hand.
‘Do you know why he wrote her?’ Carmen asked.
‘No, and even if I did, I really think you should ask Shane these things.’
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ Carmen nodded. She took in a deep breath, and got up from the couch. She smiled weakly when Jenny gave her an encouraging wink, and disappeared down the hallway.
She knocked softly on Shane’s door. Shit, she shouldn’t feel so nervous. Why did she feel like she was always walking on eggshells around Shane? She was really getting sick of it.
‘Shane? Are you ready? Can I come in?’ Carmen asked. The door opened, showing Shane with her hair and make-up done perfectly, but a blank look on her face. Carmen walked in slowly and sat down on the edge of Shane’s bed, watching patiently as Shane reached for her cigarettes sitting on the nightstand and slipped the pack of Marlboro’s in the breast pocket of her shirt.
‘I know why you need your cigarettes today,’ Carmen said calmly.
Shane looked up, raising an eyebrow.
‘Jenny told me your brother contacted you. That’s great Shane. I’m really happy for you.’
Shane swallowed visibly, and stilled in the task of smoothing a wrinkle out of her shirt.
‘Yeah..,’ she said softly, almost inaudible. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t..’
‘Were you going to tell me about it?’ Carmen cut her off.
‘Of course I was,’ Shane said, ‘I just.. I just didn’t know how.’
‘That’s fucking great Shane. I was worried sick for two days, you know that? You didn’t even give me a call. And you even tell Jenny first?’ Carmen said, raising her voice. She didn’t want to be mad at Shane, and deep down she wasn’t really, she was just sad and frustrated, and now it all came out in once. ‘What’s that about Shane? Am I not important enough to you to share these huge changes in your life with?’
‘Please, Carmen, don’t be like this.’
‘Like what, like not taking your shit any longer?! I’m your girlfriend Shane! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?’
‘Carmen.. you mean the world to me and you know that damn well.’
Carmen sighed and blinked away the tears in her eyes. ‘So what’s wrong then?,’ she asked sadly, looking expectantly into Shane’s eyes.
Shane sighed and went to sit next to her. ‘It’s got nothing do with you, I swear. And I didn’t tell Jenny anything, she just figured it out herself because she found the letter between our mail, okay? And even if I would tell things Jenny first, then it’s just because Jenny is my roommate and my best friend. It doesn’t make you any less important to me,’ Shane spoke, her voice soft.
Carmen was silent for a moment, still not feeling reassured at all. ‘I still don’t know why you didn’t call me ..,’ she murmured softly.
‘I had a lot of things on my mind. I guess I didn’t want to bother you with it.’
‘Shane..,’ Carmen shook her head, ‘what bothers me is that you just choose to ignore me instead.’
‘I didn’t ignore you..,’ Shane protested weakly.
‘You did. Listen, if there are things you’re worried about, then I want to know them, because I love you okay?’ Carmen asked, taking Shane’s hand in her own. ‘I love you and I want to help you if you feel bad.’
‘You can’t help me,’ Shane said softly.
‘Fine, then just deal with it yourself,’ Carmen snapped. She got up and made her way to the door with her chin up proudly, but her eyes showed the hurt and anger. She felt Shane’s hands grabbing her biceps firmly, but she had already made up her mind, she wasn’t going to listen to anything what Shane had to say.
‘Please Carmen, stay, I’m sorry,’ Shane pleaded, wrapping two strong arms around Carmen’s body. ‘Let me go,’ Carmen said, struggling slightly, but she gave up when she felt Shane’s warm breath on her ear, sending chills through her body. ‘I love you, I’m sorry,’ Shane repeated.
Carmen sighed and closed her eyes, knowing she had already lost this battle. ‘Please don’t shut me out,’ she whispered.
‘I won’t.. not again. It’s just that.. since I got that letter I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and all these things just keep coming back at me.’
‘What things?’
‘Just, things from the past. Things I’d rather forget about.’
‘Oh..,’ Carmen said, with sympathy in her voice. She turned to face Shane and looked up at her. ‘Is your brother one of those things?’
‘No.. not at all. He’s a cool guy. Not that I know him very well. The last time I saw him I was.. ten. I was ten years old.’
‘What happened?’ Carmen asked carefully. She knew these moments when Shane would talk about her past were rare, and she didn’t want to come across as being too pushy and scare her off. Shane shrugged and released her hold of Carmen. She sat down on her bed and reached underneath it to grab her Converse. Carmen went to sit next to her and for a moment uneasy silence filled the room.
‘He went to a foster family. I stayed at the orphanage.’ The words were spoken calmly, almost cold, but Carmen could still sense the raw pain that lay beneath them. ‘They separated us because he was only my half-brother. After that we lost sight of each other.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Carmen whispered, hesitantly putting her hand on Shane’s shoulder. Shane didn’t react, but just continued putting her shoes on.
’What’s his name?’ Carmen asked, trying to make the subject less painful for Shane. Or maybe for the both of them.
’Charlie,’ Shane smiled, ‘He’s 25 years old.’
‘Are you meeting him today? Is that why you are so nervous?’
‘I’m not nervous,’ Shane denied stubbornly.
‘Shane..’
‘It’s just fucked up okay,’ Shane said, her words coming out more angrily than she’d wanted to.
‘What is?’ Carmen asked, her face in shock.
‘Everything, everything is so fucking fucked up!,’ Shane said, raising her voice. She struggled with tying her shoelaces, tugging too hard and causing one to snap in half. ‘Shit!,’ Shane cursed, kicking the shoe off and throwing it across the room.
‘Jesus Shane, calm down. What’s wrong?’
Shane dropped her face in her hands, slowly rocking herself back and forth. ‘He lost his wife..,’ Shane whispered, ‘He fucking lost his wife. She was only 24 years old.’ Shane shook her head, blinking away the hot tears that were welling up in her eyes.
‘Oh my god..,’ Carmen said slowly, her jaw dropping open.
‘He invited me to the funeral Carmen.. But I don’t know what to say to him or what to do.. I’m so bad at these things..’
‘Oh Shane,’ Carmen said sadly, she wrapped her arms around Shane’s shoulders, trying to soothe her without words. Shane sniffled and rested her head against Carmen’s chest.
‘Y’know I wanted to ask you..,’ she paused and lifted her head from Carmen’s chest, looking up at Carmen, ‘If you want to go with me.’
‘Really? Do you really want me to be there?’ Carmen asked incredulously.
‘Yeah,’ Shane nodded, ‘I don’t want to go by myself.’
‘Okay.. I’ll come with you, of course I will,’ Carmen replied, smiling brightly. She looked down at her clothes, ‘I do have to change though.’ There was no way she could wear a ragged white wife beater with ‘Morphine’ spelled on it in bold blue letters and a short denim skirt to a funeral.
‘Yeah, sure, we can drive by your place. But we have to go now, I don’t want to be late,’ Shane said, getting up and picking her shoe up from the floor. ‘Or.. you can borrow some of Jenny’s clothes,’ Shane said, her face serious, but her eyes twinkling with amusement.
‘Please, don’t make me do that again,’ Carmen groaned.
Shane chuckled and wrapped her arms around Carmen’s waist, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. ‘I was just kidding baby.’
Carmen smiled, leaning in to kiss Shane’s full lips. ‘I missed you,’ she said when their lips parted.
‘I missed you too,’ Shane said, playfully slapping Carmen on her ass before letting her go and making her way to her bedroom door.
‘Shane?,’ Carmen asked softly. Shane turned around, tilting her chin a bit, ‘Yeah?’
‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For telling me about your brother. I know it’s not easy for you.. And for inviting me,’ Carmen said, unconsciously tucking a strand of her own hair behind her ear.
‘You don’t have to thank me. I need you to be there,’ Shane said sincerely.
‘Well, it means a lot to me.. And I’m sorry for being a bitch-’
‘Hey, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about,’ Shane interrupted her.
‘Shut up Shane, I don’t apologize often so you better enjoy it while you can,’ Carmen said, with a smirk on her face.
Shane chuckled, ‘Okay, whatever, unnecessary apology accepted, let’s go.’