“Midday Day Dreams”

 

 

It was the same. It was different.

 

Same. Tina. Holding Tina. Vulnerable Tina. Tina’s warmth. Light perfume tickling at the nose. Soft. Tina soft.

 

Different. Angelica was not present. She was elsewhere. Safe. Wherever she was, she was being watched, and safe.

 

Just as holding Tina was safe, yet not safe.

 

Holding Tina, alone. Tina vulnerable. This brought feelings. Always feelings. Confused feelings. Feelings that were safe, yet not safe.

 

Not safe as Jodi walked in the door. The look on Jodi’s face.

 

Jodi, ever expressive. What was it? Surprise? Envy? Maybe not envy. Something else.

 

I could remember Jodi saying once that she had a fear of Tina. But did she say it? Perhaps I thought she said it.

 

Was that my thought? My fear? What was it that I had more fear of? Of Tina? Or of Jodi?

 

Tina, whispering words of love, of lost love, of love foregone. And there, in the room, was Jodi.

 

Had Jodi understood those words? Was Tina sitting so Jodi would know what was being whispered?

 

Tina, holding Tina. What would Jodi think was happening?

 

Tina. Tina… and Jodi.

 

Jodi who was suddenly sitting behind Tina.

 

Hand upon Tina’s shoulder. Jodi’s hand.

 

Tina, leaning back into Jodi. Jodi’s hand on Tina’s shoulder, Tina’s neck, Tina’s face.

 

Lying back, her mouth agape, Tina. Tina between Jodi and I.

 

Tina, head turning. Mouth caught, mouth kissed by Jodi’s mouth.

 

Tina. Jodi. Kissing.

 

A warm flush. My flush.

 

Jodi. Tina. Kissing.

 

Jodi’s other hand reaching around Tina, cupping the underside of her breast.

 

My eyes must have reflected my feelings, Jodi, Tina, kissing. Jodi’s fingertips leaving Tina’s neck, moving to my cheek.

 

Jodi, stroking my cheek. Jodi’s fingertips to my lips.

 

Jodi and me. Me and Tina. Us.

 

We had become an us. Together.

 

Kissing. Touching.

 

Clothes off. Bodies bared.

 

A mélange of us. We. Together.

 

My mouth exploring Tina, exploring Jodi.

 

Jodi. Tina. Jodi and Tina. Us all, together. We.

 

And we were in bed. My bed. Our bed. Us together. And it was, it was…

 

“Dean Porter?”

 

A voice, a man’s voice.

 

“Hmm?”

 

I tried to not look guilty, flushed, although I knew I probably looked both.

 

Tom, entering the office. Tom and… Jodi.

 

Jodi looking very inquisitive.

 

 “Is everything alright?”

 

Tom’s words, but Jodi’s face.

 

Caught. I’d been caught.

 

“Fine, everything’s just fine.”

 

“You seem a little excited, Dean Porter.” Tom’s voice. Jodi’s teasing.

 

We could have this conversation, Jodi. You don’t need to torture my state through Tom.

 

I raised an eyebrow. Comment enough.

 

“Do we have a meeting?” I felt composed. I hoped I conveyed composed.

 

“Phyllis called the emergency meeting. Funding.”

 

Of course. How I’d tried to blank that out. “Phyllis’ meeting. Right.”

 

Jodi’s face danced with her smile.

 

I made sure she could see me clearly. “Tom, could you excuse us for a moment?”

 

“I’ll be just outside.”

 

The door closed.

 

What have you been up to, Dean Porter? Jodi signed the words, inched closer to me, backing me against the desk.

 

Me?

 

I know that look.

 

I’m sure she did. It’s nothing.

 

“We could make it something.” She used her voice, her hands busily running up and down my lapels.

 

“Meeting.” I over-annunciated.

 

Her eyes widened. “Be bad.”

 

I leaned in and kissed her. As I did, the image of Jodi kissing Tina flashed into my memory. A thought that I could not let remain for a thousand different reasons. “No.”

 

She leaned in again for a kiss. This one forceful. Brief. Then she backed away.

 

“You will tell me later.”

 

I don’t know which thought scares me the most, the thought of my dream, or the thoughth of telling Jodi my dream.

 

My flush returns, and I take a deep breath as I open the door from my office.

 

Tom looks at me, a knowing look. I’m convicted by his eyes, even though he has mistaken the crime.

 

“James, I’ll be at the funding meeting.”

 

I’m excited. And frightened.

 

It’s not even noon.

 

(the end)