CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

A few weeks later, it was Bette who woke up first. It was still early in the morning and the only sound was that of Tina’s breathing. She looked at the blonde woman lying on her stomach, next to her. Bette reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, noticing how her own fingers were trembling.

She swallowed when realisation hit her so hard she could almost feel the throbbing in her head. What on earth were they doing? What was she doing? That conversation of a few weeks ago about UCLA and Yale, what the heck was that about? She wasn’t being fair to Tina, the lovely blonde who had invaded her dreams. 

That was exactly it: they had always been dreams. Tina Kennard had been out of reach all the time, so close yet so far away. That was exactly how it was supposed to be: Tina on some higher level, with Bette at her feet, looking up at her and admiring her for everything she was.

What audacity of her to think she deserved this wonderful woman! Where had she got the idea that what they were doing was right? She was only wasting Tina’s time, Tina, who deserved to be with someone better and more confident and more able to make her happy.

Bette had no money, no place of her own, no job, nothing. What on Earth could she offer?

Realising this, she quickly stood up and put on her clothes without even bothering to take a shower or at least freshen up a little. She tiptoed out of the room and through the dark apartment. She hit a table once and the pain was flaming through her, but she didn’t mind. It was a distraction – she couldn’t think of what she was doing or she would hesitate and eventually go back. She mustn’t allow herself to go back and ruin Tina’s life. Ms Kennard’s life.

She let her hand wander over the counter in the kitchen and sighed inaudibly when she felt the shape of a key under her fingers. She took it to open the door, put it on the ground and left the apartment, not once looking behind, because she knew that if she did so, she wouldn’t be able to get through. She had to get through with this, for ms Kennard’s best interests. She had to think about her as ms Kennard, that person that was always just a few footsteps away and at the same time so many miles apart. Ms Kennard, the woman she loved… from a distance.