Even when we fought, she had always made a point of kissing me goodnight, but tonight she just laid there.  She did not wrap her arms around me.  She did not steal a kiss while she thought I was sleeping.  She did not say a word.  I thought she might have fallen asleep, but then I felt her shift to the very edge of the bed and I heard her begin to cry.  I opened my eyes.  I saw her with her back to me, crunched up in the fetal position on top of the covers; her body was shaking as she was trying to control the sounds her tears were making.  I was mad though.  I was mad and stubborn.  I listened to her cry herself to sleep and I did nothing.

When the morning came, I slipped out before she woke up.  I wanted to clear my head so I took the path train into Jersey.  I know, who goes to Jersey to get away?  It was something I had to do.  I wanted a new perspective.  I don’t know what I did or where the day went, but before I knew it, it was almost 9 pm.  I felt like it was time to head back.  I was going to have to face her.  Maybe I could get her to reconsider.  There would be other offers.  I would convince her to stay here. 

~

            Looking back I can’t believe Ashley had not defended herself.  She stood there and took what I said.  She did not throw back in my face the fact that she had dropped her life and her friends in LA to be with me.  She would have followed me to the moon and back if I had asked her, but I refused to do the same for her.  She did not tell me that if I went to NYU, she would leave me.  She wanted me to be happy.  And my happiness always came at a price to her, not to me.  I was so selfish yet I blamed her.  I don’t know if things would have been different if she had reminded me of her sacrifices.  I wish she had though, because it took me five years to realize on my own.  I wanted her to give up her own happiness and success, for me.