“What’s that supposed to mean?” She hits the steering wheel. He leans his seat back. “Complicated,” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Then gimme the cliff notes.” He can see that she is tense. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He closes his eyes. “You’re not acting like you trust me. You said you wanted me to trust you back. But I can’t even trust you to answer my questions.” She sounds like she’s gonna cry. “Don’t start crying.” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “You know what? Stop being an ass or I’m kicking you out of the car.” She’s glaring at him. He doesn’t want to fight.

“I don’t want you to see the parts of me that are messed up and wrong. I’m embarrassed.” He says an hour later as the sun starts to come up. “Don’t be. I like your body, both ways, because I like the person that’s inside.” Ashden wishes it was that simple. “I am. And I don’t.” He can’t keep living this way, in the Inbetween. After another couple of miles, “I just didn’t feel right as a girl. Something was missing; I had shadow limb. I didn’t do girl things or even like them. I don’t understand them. Being a boy made sense. I used to pretend I was a boy. In 7th grade everyone thought I was a boy for the first 3 weeks. I liked it. Girls were always mean to me. They picked on me and made me feel like crap. They said I wasn’t really a girl. I was miserable. I hated myself; started cutting. I needed to change. I always felt like I should’ve been a boy. I want to be. And it hurts so much that I can only get so close. I hate being stuck like this, pretending. I almost feel worse than before. Because if how my mom’s being and like I’m not the real man you deserve.” Ashden lets his heart out through his tears, wiping his eyes and hiding his face from Spencer.

He feels the car slowing down as she pulls over. “Oh, Sweetie.” She rubs his arm. “Shhh,” She coos and kisses his head until he’s quiet. Then he finally looks at her. “I have more questions.” Her hand is on her shoulder. He can’t read the expression on her face. So he nods. “What’s shadow limb?” Her eyebrow is raised. He tries to laugh. “When you have an imaginary penis.” Her face scrunches up. “I don’t get it.” She tilts her head. “Like it’s supposed to be there, but it’s not and you act like it is.” He tries to explain. It’s not something you get unless you’ve had it.