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Here I sit. I am always here sitting. Outside of this gig, what else do I have? It might have been better for me if they never let me out. I wouldn’t be here bored, bitchy, and fighting everyday to stay clean. Of course, if I had wanted out of prison, it wouldn’t have taken much to make that happen. I do want to be different. I just never thought it was possible for me to change. Well, not until a couple of months ago anyway. Now, well..now I just don’t ***** know. My head is so full of raging thoughts. It isn’t like the raging part is new just the thinking part. That may not be true either. It seems I have thought before in depth about things, but let’s not let that get spread around shall we? No, I guess it’s more that I have a conscious now that rages and maybe…just maybe feelings. I can’t make any promises about that, but I am sure I am FEELING something or I wouldn’t still be here or clean. It isn’t like some of the people here have made it easy on me to be here.
I don’t blame them. I’m a *****. Worse than that I’m a ***** with a past, but I don’t want to be. I am grateful to Angel for giving me place and a job. Wes, well, I did torture him, but still slowly more everyday he comes around. He still doesn’t talk to me unless he has to, but that is more than he was doing. He was just ***** glaring at me all the time. The others, Fred, Gunn, and Lorne, well they don’t know quite what to think of me. It isn’t that Gunn or Fred avoids me. I think to them I am just not quite here and in a way I guess that’s true. I hadn’t planned on staying this long. It will be a year next week. Angel wants to have a party, but I am not so sure anyone here wants to celebrate my still being here, but him. There is Lorne. He may know me a little better than the others now since he finally conned me into singing for him one night when no one else from here was there. I sang an old Joplin tune. He smiled at me sadly when I exited the stage. He told me he was sorry for all my pain. I think he is the first person I truly believed when he said that. The other thing he said to me he didn’t elaborate on was ‘I wondered why you stayed. Now I see,’ I didn’t know what he meant until about two weeks later. He knew before I wanted to admit it to
myself. I stay for her.